Today is another day in my life without my mom and I am doing better today.  I feel here everywhere I go.  I can smell her, see her, feel her...I just know she is with me watching over me.  I still have my moments of total breakdown and cry...but, I think I am o.k.  So much has happened in my life lately, I MUST be strong, because this is just so unreal to me at times.  Support and friendship have been what is keeping going.  The support and love that I have received have really meant a lot to me.  I thank everyone!!I just got off the phone with my stbx.  He was telling me that he didn't think our conversation yesterday was fair that I was being mean to him for no reason but he understands I have a lot going on and he can't even imagine what I am going thru right now but he knows I will come out of this stronger than before.  THEN.....he asks if I received the divorce papers and if I have signed the waiver and mailed them back to his lawyer.  I told him I could not talk with him about that right now that I needed support and don't know what the hell came over me thinking he could offer just a little since he was never able to when we were together and then I slammed the phone down in his ear.  What a total jacka**!!I know God isn't going to give me more than I can handle, but come on!!!  I don't lie, cheat, steal, do drugs, I am not an alchoholic, I am a great mother and I did everything for my husband and his whole family.  Why am I suffering so much right now?  Maybe I am just in so much pain from my mom passing away and things are just snowballing, I don't know.  I wish I had a litttle more control over my emotions right now.  I am up one minute and down the next minute and I can't stand it.  I know in my heart that the pain will  subside and I be better than o.k.  I just wish it was sooner rather than later.  I have a vacation planned for October and I really am looking forward to it, more than anything!!  But, I want to be the old me again...happy-go-lucky, fun, crazy, cry at commercials and billboards (not just everything!!)  I don't want to only laugh and feel great when I am on the phone with my friend(s).  I want to be fine without having to lean on friends.  I have nver had to lean on anyone so I don't even know how to do that, I am afraid I am going to push my friend(s) away by being so needy.  I don't want to be needy, I want to be needed.  I am not a needy person by nature.  So, that makes it a little harder for me.  I just need a release!!!!!!!!!I talked to my dear sweet friend last night, it was great to hear his voice.  He is coming down with a cold and I wish I could be there to take care of him.  He is too sweet and kind to be sick!  He did make me laugh last night though.  As he always does.  When I got off the phone with him I had some dishes to take care of, then I went to sleep.  I took a Lunesta and actually slept very, very well.  I wish October was here now!  I am going to book my flight next week or so.  Can't wait to go away.  I need to get away...Well, time to dry my tears and get on with my day.  If anyone has any jokes, please send them, I need a laugh today!!  :>)