My mom died yesterday afternoon.  So much to say, just not sure how to put it all to words.  I know she is at peace now and so happy.  For that I am thankful, truly thankful.  She is supposed to be hear for me though.  My world is upside down right now.  Two thirds of Jennifer is gone.  I have gone to being a wife, mother and daughter to just a mother.  I can deal with not being a wife, I was o.k. with that, I wasn't wanted or needed in that area anymore.  But, I never not been a daughter and I find myself a little lost right now.  I don't know how to be me without everthing else that defined who the me was.  I know this isn't a forum for bereavement, just not sure what to do right now.  I had some great help last night (yesterday and Tuesday as well) from a friend from half way across the continent, for him I will be forever grateful.  He was there for me, he helped me, he supportedme, he listened to me and he let me cry.  He also made me laugh and took my mind off of things for awhile.  I will never be able to repay him for what he did (and continues to do) for me.  I think he is my angel.  It is so wierd, but he just so there for me in a way that I have never had anyone there for me.  Don't know how to thank him or let him know.My oldest daughter knows about my mom.  She was there with me and James (moms husband).  James and I were holding her hands and Katie was singing to her.  It was so hard to watch my baby cry.  I was o.k. with everything at the hospital (other than the occasional breakdown in the hallway) because I had to support and take care of everyone else.  My little one doesn't know yet.  The further I got from San Antonio yesterday, the more I hurt and the more I couldn't handle things.  Mom will be cremated in San Antonio and we will have memoiral here in Del Rio next (haven't gotten that part done yet) week.  The chaplain came in and stayed with us yesterday and brought some paint and paper in for my daughter to make handprints of my moms hand for the four grandkids to have and put their handprints next to.  It was such a  beautiful thing to watch and I think it helped Katie to cope.  I know I am all over the place with this journal and I apologize, still sort of numb.  I remember talking to my friend last night telling him I know I needed to put my big girl panties on a deal with this but that I couldn't.  I didn't sleep Tuesday night.  I stayed with my mom the whole time.  I went to change clothes close to noon yesterday and I couldn't put clothes on, I put my pajamas on.  I stayed in them until this morning.  I went to eat lunch in my pajamas.  I drove home from San Antonio in my pajamas.  I stopped and put gas in my car in my pajamas.  I couldn't even brush my hair.  I don't know why I couldn't.  I tried to.  Maybe because I brushed my moms hair so much Tuesday night when it was just the two of us.  I did manage to brush my teeth, I just kept brushing and brushing my teeth.  I am work this morning, have to do my payroll today.  I think I am going home after that.  So much to do, so many decisions and plans to  make.