Well, I went to the Dr. (therapist) and he told me point blank...GIRL YOU NEED TO GET PISSED! I just sat there. Um, o.k. I have tried to get really mad at my stbx. I just don't stay mad, never was able to. I always loved him so much and no stupid little diasagreement was worth ending my marriage over. Don't misunderstand, I know my marriage is over and I accept that and am embracing that fact. I just can't stay mad at him. His biggest gripe with me was/is I let people walk all over me. I don't think that helping someone in need is letting them walk all over you. I am a giver and a helper. I always have been. It is one the reasons he says he fell in love with me, he says he has never met anyone with such a big heart. So, is the reason I can't get and stay mad at him because I have a big heart? Am I in denial? I don't know. I thought I was doing o.k., but apparently I am heading for a break down. Of which I heard is typical and normal. But, I am not an angry person by nature. Do I really need to get mad and stay mad at him? Why can't I just move on and be happy without the anger? Is it written somewhere that I have to be mad? I was and am still very hurt, doesn't that count for something? I am dealing with my hurt by turning it into a positive thing. I am looking forward to my life and I feel no stress where he is concerned, other than the dealings with him and the lawyers. (On that note I didn't get a chance to go to the lawyers office today, I will have to do it tomorrow.) I feel a sense of relief and freedom when I think about my life without him more than I actually miss him. I think I actually miss being a part of something great, of my marriage more than I miss him. I think about our life together and how one sided it has been for so long. I think of all the things I did for him and none of that matters anymore. I think of all the times he wanted or needed something and I took care of it for him and when I needed or wanted something I took care of that too, he didn't take care of me or of us. That must be why I am so o.k., I have always taken care of myself. I don't feel torn any more between him and whatever else is in my life: like..my girls, my mom, girl scouts, and my job. Is there something wrong with the way I am feeling? Does someone really need to get mad to get over a relationship or a marriage? The more I look back, the more I realize our marriage was over a long time ago for him, so why be angry now? I figure I have lost enough and so have my girls...doesn't anger just get in the way? I don't want to be bitter. I want to leave this part of my life with some dignity and grace. Is that so much to ask? Or is it that my life is so busy right now that I don't have time to be angry? I don't think that is it, but I guess anything is possible.
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I felt the same way as you. You and I are very similar in that we have let people walk all over us and still try to please those people. It wasn\'t until about 4 months after my divorce that I was finally able to be angry. I didn\'t want to be angry but it did feel good. Being angry helped me tap into a lot of sadness and let me feel things I don\'t know if I could have felt without getting angry. I thought I was over being angry at my ex ... but have recently found out about things she had done in our relationship that have restarted the anger. The last time I was angry it lasted a month ... this time it will probably be a few days. It helps to be able to feel a full range of emotions. I tried to deny them and it made things worse. Also, recognize that anger is a secondary emotion. There is something else behind it. You often have to feel that anger to get to the underlying emotion. I\'m sorry you have to go through this. I wouldn\'t wish the pain of divorce on my worst enemy. Good luck.
I dont think you NEED to do anything. your therapist NEEDS to stop telling you what you need. It sounds like your in a grieving process over what your losing. Id feel more sad than mad if that were the case w me. the main thing is be true to yourself and let yourself feel however you know you must feel to feel better.
I think you have a healthy attitude. Don\'t change for some shrink
I think the therapist was just expecting that the next stage you will go thru will be the anger phase since typically that is the next one. But not everyone goes thru it. Each and every person is different. I was in the shock stage for over two months and have now been in the anger phase for about a month. It is starting to ease until I hear from the stbx. He just aggravates it lol. Just hang in there and you will be fine.
I take my anxiety and turn it into anger and that gives me strength. That works for me but it obviously will not work for you. Maybe the shrink is thinking that your lack of anger is coming off like apathy. He might also think that you are such a giver that you have lost touch with your emotions and you have become a door mat. I am no shrink, I am just throwing it out there. If you feel good and you are happy with the way things are and the way they are going then more power to you and why are you seeing a shrink?
i thinsk anger is not the best suit--if it comes let it but do not try to force something that may come naturally in time
I agree that anger is definitely not the best BUT my ex-wife went ballistic when I FOUND OUT ABOUT HER AFFAIR--now that takes some twisted thinking--is she in denial? Is this her justification--to blame me for our marriage failing after 17 years? It all went to crap about a year ago now and that is likely when her other involvement started--cut me off altogether and would not discuss anything--more hateful than I\'ve ever seen or ever imagined--I though at 41 she was hitting some mid-life crisis---maybe so but I did not expect her actions in my wildest dreams !! She\'s pissed at me--furious to put it mildly and I\'ve only told her that I would do anything for her--she\'s kept my children from me until i finally got a court order and now she\'s pissed over that---she\'s also living with her new man and he divorced his wife of 18 years for my wife of 17---I never saw it coming !! When I have become furious she has told me the I NEED HELP--THAT THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME !! My psychiatrist suggests that she has some real issues--I\'m seeing him for extreme depression which is rather normal for the spouse that did not want the divorce ! At first she claimed it was all about the kids---WELL NOW I guess it\'s all about her new man that she doesn\'t really even know yet!! AWWW--go ahead and get pissed----I did and her family is making me out to be the culprit--- turn the tables and me be the one having the affair and I\'d be the worst piece of sh** out there !! Who\'s in denial ? My question \"Why in the world would she be one that is pissed???\"\"
Speaking as someone who has been to counselling on and off for about 18 months now....that statement by your counsellor really surprises me. Especially since you are in such a good mood now. What it all comes down to though, is to listen to yourself first. I\'m sure the man is very well educated, but it doesn\'t mean he is right all the time.
A lot of people gave me the same speech. When are you going to get angry they would ask. I would tell them that I don\'t feel that way right now and I don\'t see how that would help anything anyways. I did get angry for about 3 weeks and then it subsided. I think it will happen but in due time. Don\'t rush anything. Much love.
hey i think you are doing great getting mad just isn\'t you so go on with the way you are dealing with things and if u need to talk I am here for you
hugssssssssssss
gerri
hey i think you are doing great getting mad just isn\'t you so go on with the way you are dealing with things and if u need to talk I am here for you
hugssssssssssss
gerri