Good morning!  It is another day...yeah!  I received a message yesterday asking how long I have been going thru my divorce.  Well, to be honest, I would have to say since the day we got married!  Really!  I should have run that night.  :>)  For the past two years about every 4 - 6 months my stbx has told me to get the hell out of the house.  All because I don't agree with EVERYTHING he says.  When I would go to pack my things he would see me leaving and take me in his arms and beg me to stay saying he was sorry and he couldn't live without me.  He would work on our relationship for about 2 months or so and then we would have a disagreement (not a fight or an arguement!) and it would start all over again.  He is a very insecure man, and I knew that going into the marriage.  We have always managed to work things out and talk things out, because we love each other, or so I thought!  But...on June 11th he crossed the line and I walked out.  I went to my mom's for the night, just to cool off and when I went back in the morning to take a shower before work he had already changed the locks.  He had also started packing my things.  He had 80% of my kitchen packed up for me.  I have the outlook that I have because he has made it very easy for me.  I still love him, but the more I remember things about him and about our life together, the more I know he is not who I need or want to be with.  You don't kick the love of your life out on the street with two kids, even if the kids aren't yours.  You don't do so many things to the person you love that he did and that he continues to do.  I am better off without him!  I do still miss him and like I said, I still love him....but....he is not the one for me.  I was his 5th wife and he is only 42.  He has some serious committment issues and the word compromise is not in his vocabulary!  I am a person, not a piece of property and I am not a child.  That being said,  I am not perfect either, but at least I can admit my faults and my mistakes and ask forgiveness.  I can also forgive when asked for forgiveness, which is something he cannot do.  I cannot even begin to tell you the things that man has put me through and everything I have stood by him on only to be treated like dirt and like I don't matter, or like a piece of meat!  I deserve better and damnit...I WILL HAVE BETTER!!!!  We all will.  He will wake up and realize what he has thrown away and it will be (it IS) too late.  I have a very healthy relationship with myself these days, which is something I haven't had in a very long time.  I refuse to let anyone take that away from me.  I am where  I need to be in life right now and I accept that.  I am living with my mom and her husband.  My mom has a rare disease that has the antibodies in her plasma attacking her nerves.  She cannot walk or use her hands.  She has no control over any bodily functions except on the rare occasion that she can feed herself with her left hand.  All the medication she is on has made gain weight and she now weighs about 240 lbs.  She sleeps in a E-Z Lift recliner because she cannot lay down on her back too long.  I give her a bath every night and do all that I can to help them out after work and on  the weekends.  When I was with my husband I was forced to choose between my mother and my husband and I no longer have that stress.  I am right where God needs me to be and I am embracing that as well as my future.My children are wonderful and they help as much as they can and I am grateful for them.  This has been very difficult, but I just woke up one day and realized...HELLO!!  THIS IS YOUR LIFE, GRAB IT BY THE HORNS!  It was really just like that.  I guess I am very blessed to have this outlook.  I still have my moments, but for the most part, I am good!  Ask me how I am doing when I receive my divorce papers though!!!  :>)