I have a habit at the moment of psychoanalysing everything i do, like when i go for walks whether its to the shops or to meet a friend i pick leaves from bushes, tear them apart and drop the peices on the floor as i walk, and from that i've managed to get that sub-conciously i'm worried something will happen whilst i'm out of the house that will inable me from getting home or being found and the reason i'm leaving a 'trail' of leaves is that someone may be able to follow them and find me. Almost like Hansel and Grettle and the crumb trail they left to find there way out of the woods.
I know that the reason i change my hair style and colour so often is because it is the only thing i feel i have control over and to show and almost prove that i do infact have control i change the colour and style on a very regular basis.
Following on from that i know the reason i refuse to get drunk or even really drink is that because the little control i have over my life (being what i say how i act etc) is completely diminished when i'm drunk and thats not a state i'd like to be in because i need to have control. A result of having very little to no control over the rest of my life and everything thats happened in my past.
I know the reason i have so many books, most of which i havent even read yet, and the reason i value them so much is because i feel so much better about everything when i'm reading, i get so into my own little world when i read that you could litterally stand right next to me and ask me a question and i wont reply. But i'm like that because even the broken horror filled worlds the characters in my books find themselves is still so much better than my reality, that i almost hate being myself so much that id rather spend as much time as i can being anybody else rather than myself.
I know the reason i dont bother to make new friends or maintain potential friendships is because i've grown so used to being passed from piller to post and never having a safe stable home that i'm not prepared to create a new friendship and to invest in that friendship for it only to ruined and for me to have to leave. The one true friend i have, i've had for almost 7 years and she has stayed in touch with me even when i lived 55 miles away from her.
I know part of the reason why i spend so much of my free time analysing everything i do is because i have nothing else to occupy my mind, and if i dont analyse my actions and my thoughts then ill just end up filling the empty space much like i used to when i lived in hull, with thoughts of all the ways my life will go downhill, all the things that went wrong for me, all the unfair things my family has done to me and how my "friends" treated me and why they might have done that, all the things that are wrong with me and all the possible reason why people dont like me.