how am i feeling today?  sad.  i really enjoy this website.  it does get hard at times to read some of the stories because they can be familiar and your heart goes out to the survivors.  i pray that we all find some peace.yesterday was saturday.  i almost did not go outside at all.  i ran out at around 7 pm to get something to eat.  once i got out i thought what a shame i stayed in.  the day was nice, i felt the air, and i watched the people walk along the street.  i thought about me missing out on life.  i get afraid to leave out of my place.  why am i afraid to go outside and live with everyone else.  i'm not afraid that someone is going to harm me.   i do get nervous when i see people coming towards me and possibly they may put their hands on me - mostly from men.  i don't like to be stared at.  i don't want people to see me - that is a concern for me.  when i was in high school i use to travel through the basement to get to my classes.  today, i live in a high rise, on the nineth floor, and now i'm traveling up and down the stairwell so i don't have to be on the elevator with anyone.  my mother is always trying to make me look on the bright side of life - i'm getting a lot of exercise. my self-esteem is low - real low.  i think when people are looking at me they are laughing at me.  i know it isn't true, but my mind is making me feel like they are.  i'm trying to figure out the connection with the molestation.  i know i don't feel worthy of myself, but how does that tie into what my uncle did to me?  i know i read this in the Courage to Heal.  i wasn't able to stop him from hurting me - could that be it.  sometimes i think if i might have gotten attached to him and then when it stopped, i felt abandon.  but no, i don't think that is it.  i think when i finally got away from the situation i was in and back home with my mother, i became very attached to my mother.  i guess i realized my mother had my dad, i had to find someone.  i found leigh, i thought we were going to get married and have children and live in this house.  i had it planned out.  it did not workout.  leigh split up with me.  i think that is when everything went down hill.  i thought about the molestation a lot after that.  all the issues/bad habits/things my uncle did to me started to surface.  it does feel good when you are enlightened to all of this stuff.  you can start to figure out things to do to change it.  you have to change it.  i think you should change your attitude first.  my attitude sucks.  i'm angry and bitter.  very few people know what i am going through, so i lose a lot of friends.  i run away from good relationships too.this is good.