*Being extremely honest with yourself is hard.  I think shame kicks in and that's no fun.  It's hard keeping a smile on your face when you feel low about yourself.*I'm doing things I'm not proud of.  My uncle who molested me made me perform oral sex on him a lot.  I'm paying guys to do that to them now - God forgive me.  I'm not a bad looking guy - I groom myself very well.  I've made some bad choices, involving myself with not-good men.  My feelings have been hurt.  I've actually been setting myself up because I knew they were no good.  I'm setting myself up right now doing what I'm doing now.  I think I'm looking for love but I think I want to be desired - that isn't good.  I want to be loved.  The abuse has disturbed that process for me.  It's horrible what I'm going through and the bad habits I've picked up.  Iknow I don't love myself right now.