I was asked earlier what my mum had done for me to resent her so much, for me to not like her and be so angry at her. It's took a long time but I think I'm ready to tell my story.I was 5 when it started. We'd lived in England for maybe 6 months, my eldest sister had not long had a baby, we were struggling in a smaller house than we were used to, with a different language, different people, not many people we knew.It was a struggle for everyone more so my mum, she spent a long time learning Gaelic and now on a move to England she had to learn to speak English too. She was under a lot of stress, she had 3 children under 3 and was pregnant with baby number 10.I don't really know where to begin if I'm honest. My recollection is probably a lot different from hers, obviously as a 5 year old my memory was sketchy.I went out to the shop with my sister Kim. She was 7. The shop was on the corner, not far from the main road, but far enough away for us to be able to go on our own. I seem to remember dropping something, maybe a small bouncy ball or something similar. It rolled along towards the main road and I followed it. I really didn't want it to get run over, I didn't think for a minute about my safety or my sisters. I just wanted my ball. As I stepped out towards the main road to pick it up, Kim realised what I was doing, she ran into the road and pushed me out of the way, putting herself in the path of an oncoming lorry.My memories blank after that. I remeber the milk bottle smashed on the floor, the milk all over the road and wondering where Kim had gone to. It was then I realised what had happened. Trying to save me, her baby sister from an oncoming lorry she stepped into its path herself, killing her instantly.For almost 22 years I have lived in her shadow. From the blame of my mother, saying how she wished it had been me and not Kim. How she never wanted me in the first place, girl number 6 instead of the much wanted boy. My childhood from there just got worse. My younger brothers could do no wrong, they were the much wanted boys. My elder sisters, well they were all growing up and getting on with their lives, making her a grandmother, making her proud.Then there was me. The black sheep. The one that was never wanted. I've lived with that tag since I was 5 years old. She still tells me now from time to time, if I do something not to her approval or her standards, she reminds me I was never wanted. She tells me how she wished I had died that day and not Kim.So there you have it. The reason I dislike my mum. Even after all she's done to me over the years, and believe me there's lots more, I still love her. I don't like her, but she gave birth to me, she fed and clothed me and gave me a decent education. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers she's poorly but well, they say she'll be out in a few days all going well