I'm sooooooooooo cold! I've just turned the heating up hight and put on a cardigan.So I've had a good weekend, I enjoyed my friends being here, we had fun and laughed lots. I had a few drinks and felt ok, I danced a wee bit, and ate quite a lot without feeling the need to be sick.Since yesterday I've felt quite lonely and sad. I think it's likle a post company syndrome thing. I normally like my own space and am happy to be alone but when it's people I really love and enjoy spending time with I feel empty afterwards.My health's not at it's best right now either, I have a kidney infection and just ache all over. I tried to sleep but it hurts too much. I'm starting to worry more about my kidney. They say in order to move up the transplant list I need to get sicker, well I'm getting sicker and don't seem to be moving anywhere. I dread the day they tell me they can't do anymore. I don't want to spend x amount of days a week hooked up to a machine, I had a small amount of dialysis with my chemo and that was enough for a life time.I'm actually not scare of death anymore. I wrote a will and sorted out a guardian for my son years ago when I first got cancer. All those years back when I thought this was it. 3 years on  and I'm stil here after beating it twice, do people really get another chance? I mean was cancer my chance to start again? Live my life the way I should have been? What if it was just a practice run for now? I might not fear death but it does worry me. How will my son cope? Will he ask about me? Will my parents tell him about me? Do my parents and his dad know enough about me to tell him? To make him understand what I was really like?