I've thought a lot tonight. Not about anything in particular, but lots of things. The past, the present, the future.I've been re-reading one of my favourite books. It's the most amazing story about a young woman who loses her husband, soul mate, best friend at such a young age. It's so sad yet heart warming how she gets her life back on track. It makes me think so much about my best friend. Ok so he wasn't my husband, boyfriend or partner, but he was my soul mate. To have known he was going to die would have made me cherish our time together more. Made me remember his smell, his touch, his voice.....There's a song that reminds me of him. 'It's been a long year since you've been gone, been a long year, I've grown old, Fall to pieces, I'm falling, Fell to pieces and I'm still falling' I always cry at his memory, remembering how much I miss him but today after reading my book I remembered a lot more good times. I've smiled at his memory. Yes I fell to pieces after he went, I'm still not the person I was, but I'm stronger now. I lost my daughter 9 months after his death, gave birth to my son on the anniversary of his deahth 4 yaers later. They were both happy yet sad times in my life.Holding my daughter for those  precious moments when she actually took her first and then her final breath, will always be etched in my memory. It was an amazing time for me, albeit sad knowing she isn't here to see things. But is she here? I'm so sure she's around me at times. Watching me, laughing and crying with me. Watching her little brother grow up.Just a few short weeks ago my wee nephew passed away. He was very poorly and was born with brain damage. My sister as imaginable was distraught, still is distraught. I'm so proud of her for the way she handled things, but I'm also proud of myself.I've never admitted how hard it was for me. She asked me to carry the coffin. Now having been at my own daughters funeral and knowing how hard it was for my dad, yet how much it helped him say goodbye and how much comfort it gave me I said yes. The day of the funeral I had a panic attack. Could I do it? Did I really want to put myself through that?The answer is yes. It meant so much to my sister, to my nieces and nephews, to my parents.... I've moved on. Yes I miss my daughter. Yes I wish things were different, but I've finally reaslied I can be strong. My strength has helped my sister.  It helps my friends parents knowing that I'm living my life, I'm sure it saddens them too, but I keep in touch. They see my son, they tell me how much he would have been loved by their son, how he would have taught him things.Today I am proud of myself. I've finally realised that I'm not weak. At times I find it hard to cope, but I picked up the pieces. I've put myself back together, I've not taken the easy way out. I've faced my demons.For me admitting things is hard. To believe I am strong is harder. I feel the tears as I type. They're not tears of sadness anymore. They're the tears of a young woman who has lived a hard life. I finally admit it. Life hasn't dealt me an easy card, but I've survied. Not only have I survived and exisited I've been able to carry on with my life, to help others and ease their pain. If today I make just one person smile, make them relive thier memories,  I'll know that it's all been worth it