Omg so I purged and I now have eye jelly coming out underneath my eye. I didn't have to use my fingers! I was glad about that. I ditched school today. My ball dress came! I look like a whale in it.  But that it going to change. I even felt guilty about drinking a diet coke which has a fffffffff 3 cals in it...oh dear. I can feel this getting out of control aagin. I am even more determined now. I am sick of feeling like a whale and having everyone stare at me. I havn't been looking after myself. part of me doesn't care. Theres all these nagging voices in my head they keep me up at night. I was gunna kill myself last night, I cried while trying to do dishes at work (after I purged in the kitchen sink) and felt like a wreck. I started driving the rimutaka hill cos I planned to drive off it. I rang this helpline we have here for teens and children, I waited 20 minutes for someone to answer. By this time I had focused on my breathing and had calmed down, this woman answered called Karen and said "how may I help you?" I hung up with half embarasment and half the feeling that a voice on the end of the phone wouldn't soothe me anymore than I had already soothed myself. so I walked into my house no one said hello to me I went to my bed cried again and fell asleep. I've been stealing. I am so ashamed to admit it. Food and sharp things mostly. I've been harming everynight again, its something I have, but shouldn't, rely on now. And so I am starting to form my second life once more. It is very tiring to keep up these two lifes. Purgiing is an instant releif, I crave the empty feeling and control more than I crave the food in the first place. It shouldn't be but it is amazing.