I have cradle of filth blasting me to what should be deafness by now. Lying on my bedroom floor. I flipped out so I started to clean my room and now ive finished my room, finished my excersizes I dont think I can stand cos im shaking too much. god this music is good. I am in the angry aftermath of loosing myself for a few minutes. Just got to keep breathing. I feel thin except for my stomach, the veins on my hands are standing right up and on my legs. I have cellulitus again right on my shin bone its so hot and painful. but I am avoiding my doctor. Dad nearly lost it today. I dont even feel like I have a family anymore. I spend most of the time in this room which I know is very unhealthy but whatever im past caring about it. Rick thinks that I am having a faith crisis, I didnt really have a faith to begin with..but um..I hope he knows what he's thinking. Em, I hope you got home okay with all that rain. Iunno if you even write on here anymore. I see Rick on wednesday..last wednesday he could tell that I had slipped a bit..commented on a few things. Im waiting for my grandparents to fiinish their phone call to my mother so that they can talk to me and then I will be able to cut myself again. I think it was afew nights ago I did it..but Its like after all these years my blood can still replace every comfort I never had. I think thats what Rick is wanting me to say outloud. fuck it. despite all this I am extreemly calm now..the cradle as faded into the background to fill some place of my mind and I am listening to the keys on my laptop being pressed in and released. I stillw ant to cut..but im not so angry now.