My sister asked me to come into wellington to go see her so I said yeah saturday after work. then I got a txt just before (tomorow is saturday) saying that plans had come up that she couldnt get out of..I hope you can understand sis" I was like..hmm..so who is taking you out for valentines day and getting you stond and I'd just get in the way..but I didnt say that..Calm old me said "yeah okay see you next time" why the fuck cant I be mean? I seem to only be able to to beat myself up. I sat there in class and imagined ripping out this blonde girls hair and strangling her..today I had this course thing except Im not continuing it cos it takes too much time out of school..and we had to do this fitness testing..and theey weighed me..64.9..the girl I was paired with was 88.9 kg but I was the second to smallest girl there. I hated myself so much, and I avoided the scales and whent he lady noticed I was the only one not weighed she called me up and by that time the whole class had gather3ed around to compare each other. I felt so exposed today.  then I went to work and Bronwyn was there and she's like 50 or something..and shes the maintanence job person like fixes things..she does a mans job and then the other staff were talking about her partner and they used she and I thought hmm I thought she was gay..then the other staff were like "Mahala where is your bf's they should be lining up at the doors" and I said well ummm boys arnt that good rght now and then they didnt beleive me when I said I didnt have one and then she pops her head around and adds "ohhhh so you have a gf then?" and I deny it is what. I couldnt even stick up for myself. But Bronwyn was in the next room and must of relised my hesitation. how horrible can things get. Im not ashamed of liking girls Im just wasnt ready to let the staff at my weork know. not that it is any of their fucking buisness. and tonight I was int he kitchen and one lady goes to me "Mahala you are about to cry! and yesterday I saw you and you were sad..is something bothering you?" and I jjust laughed it off. and last year I must have set an alarm on my phone. Cos It went off at 12 and the alarm said "Kill yourself" so I thought gee thanks Mahala way to plan a death. I thought about t on the way home..pictured me and my car wrapped around a tree or soemthing. so what the fuck I feel completly useless.