a ctually does it matter if I put my head in a bag full of chemicals and enialate myself? im at this point again. where I need someone..but there is no one..well no one that doesnt have a block anyway. I cant stop shaking, I cant stop breathing fast..everything is so cold. I want to be gone. but I dont want the fits, the vomit or the headaches. I dont care about the brain its all fucked anyway. I might sit here for a while more and think about it..again and again. im running out of will, patience and sanity it seems.
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Oh, I forgot about that cold. I am glad you reminded me of being chilled for days. I don\'t ever want that again. Tonight I am in Portland, Maine. An ice storm is starting. I went to dinner with friends tonight and on the way back we hurried because it was so bitter and wet. yet nothing compared to the chill that I could never make go away when I would huff. I would bury myself in blankets and run a heater. I would have a hot bath. yet never could I warm up. I don\'t miss that one bit..
The last few days I have been having cramps in my feet from using almost two years ago. I did some dreadful damage one night, ended up in the hospital with stroke symptoms, and have had terrible muscle cramps ever since. A nice little reminder that comes along ever so often.
You say you are running out of will, patience, and sanity. Just know that I have NOT run out of will, patience, or sanity FOR you. Sometimes just knowing someone else believes in us is helpful when we don\'t believe in ourselves.