I should be able to fight this..I mean its easy..just a tube of glue. then why does it fucking run my life, my thoughts it runs my ehad. I just want to shut the refridgerator up. I want to forget all this madness that is crammed into my head. I want to be all gone. The risks don't scare me.only haveing no money scares me. I don't know what to do. I wish I knew what to do. This mind screams glue and I can't tell it not to because its myself. I want to be out of this body and of this head. It was never mine to begin with. why can't I fight this. It gets me all worked up and I just wish there was something to do. So I told myself, go write on DS that will make things better. But no. I am stuck here trying to fight my own head because all it wants is glue. I have a tube in my car. I know I shouldn't have brought it but I brought it last night after gymnastics. I don't need glue! I don't need anything. I just WANT his al to be gone. Then I can be my normal empty self. the emptyness I can cope with. I have my poetry..but this glue, its insane, its making me insane. now the minutes have passed and I feel so much weeaker. its talking to me, telling me that one breathe will calm me down and that I dont even need tohe whole tube..but fuck, I know I'll use it all. then I will pass out because its the same glue that has made me pass out the last three highs. no one is home. I am alone. no one is here to stop me..I can't stop myself. I can't even play sims because the families just make me feel lower. Ive already played sevens for maybe about 10 games. I have been lying here fighing the temptation since I woke up. I can't write cos I just did and the words are all crap and well everything just makes me feel worse. Cant go see nick because I saw him three days already in a row. and if he knows I am still getting urges he'll tell my parents. I have stopped caring. I can't talk myself out of this. Where can I go instead? Where do i WANT to go instaed? no where. because all I want is glue. I am not sure if it is even me anymore. something else inside me needs it. and I kinda fuel that thing inside me to shut up the chaos it could create. I feel so stuck and like two things are pulling my arms each way. go my side Mahala, no go my side. the easiest side is glue. yesterday I had a total glue free day. Gymnastics went great everything went great..apart from my exam. now I am here. What got me to this point? well I don't know. Maybe the fact that I am home alone, with nothing to do and my head just well I can't control it. It isn't even my head. its like they took a head of a murderur and put it with my body of an obese person. its always killing myself. But I just don't know what to do. Shannon just signed on. might say hi to her.