So I flipped out last night..I was real low and thinking about trying to get the blade out of my shaver..then I took out my hair from the tye and looked at it. Got my garndmas sewing scissors and cut it off..I maybe cut about 10 cm length off I stopped myself so I could tie it back up still. Instantly I felt better. Instantly I could breathe again. For that moment that I was cutting my hair timke seemed to freeze. I wish I could of continued cutting it all off. I wouldn't care. I want to go live someplace where it is just me so I don't get to rely on anyone. It scared me though how I could change so suddenly by just cutting my hair. Its not even straigh its just hanging in chunks of different lengths. Today I gho to london with my grandma. she's nice. and in a minutes I am going to see my great grandma she's 95 and always excited to see me. I went in the other day and she was asleep but she had stuffed tissues in her mouth and I sat down a it and she woke up and said "oh mahala! nevermind the tissues erm there to stop my dribbling" and we both laughed. It makes me sad bvecause she has only just been put in a resthome 3 weeks ago and I know frome xperience that the only way to leave a rest home is to die. I think these holidays will be the last time I see her. Thats why I was so upset with Mom lkast night bvecause when we arrived back in reigate at 6pm momw ouldnt let me go say goodnight, even though its 5 min drive. wouldnt let me phone her either. actually I thinkt hats what started me feeling so low. These days it only takes one simple little thing and then everything esculates and I loose control. I have been shaking a lot too my hands they shake so much. And last night I remeber chewing my lip and this morning I woke up and its all red because I pulled part of the skin off in my sleep. I'm always doing that. Anwyays..london time.