I can't do this anymore. I don't even knwo who I am anymore. I can't control what i do. This thing does inside me. I just made a video for Ryan saying how sorry I am and I started crying in it and I wondered why it hurt so much to say goodbynot what other. I never have been great at much, I just wanted to be great at what I wanted to be great at.Always alone, no one is ever here to take my hand. I keep thinking, what if? what if I took these pills would I just wake up and cause more trouble. I don't think I have the guts to do it today, but Ryan's video is made just incase. Do you go to jail for a failed suicide attempt? I've already failed once before..I just wish things would get better. There has got to be something more than this and yet I've beens earching and I can't find it. No one has offered to help search with me. I can't even help myself anymore. I think that when you reach old age you go back and watch all your life so far. you sit in your comfy chair maybe with your life long partner and you watch your whole life. When he thinks you are ready you get offered to watch it. And you get a choice whether you'd change anything, and those that try change their life develop demetia or alzimers and they get really frail. And I think that when you have wawtched your life up until where you are he takes your soul because that was part of the deal.i don't want any of that, I want out of this mind that fights with itself and this heart that cuts itself open. I am sick of trying to mend myself and so I am sitting here not knowing what to do. For some reason it is comforting.