Hmmm, What shall I eat today. My stomach is telling me to eat but my mind is screaming no. So I feel kinda trapped inbetween them tryna sort out a fight or something. I wonder If I told Ryan about this journal what would he think. I've been keeping some things from him which makes me a hypocrite because I wana help him and listen to him but he doesn't tell me everything thats going on either. I think I might have something to eat..maybe an apple juice lol. I think I'm going back to my juice days. See theres this juice maker downstairs and when we first got it was about the time when I first wasn't eating, the first time my parents actually did something about it. So I used the "oh wow new juice maker' excuse to live off juiced fruit for 4 days untilt hey took me off to a restaurant and said eat. I hate it how its either the cutting or the eating problem. At the moment it is both..and its been both before but that was when the matron made me go see Holly, the wairarapa health councelar or something. SHE ENDED UP READING MY CP Em!!!! Oh dear. Iunno..Its just always this cycle of cutting and eating whether I do either or not its always a cycle. Ew and yesterday I was driving home and two cars infront of me swerved and I didn't know why butI saw a black thing on the side of the road so I looked at it whenI went past and it was a dead pukeko(um they are a type of bird) and it was already dead when the driver swerved to hit it..but it was the way he purposely drove over it again. I dont know if I can express how sick it made me feel in words. The way the bird's body flopped underneath the car and bits of gut went out. It was just so disrespectful and nasty. Why would someone even need to do that? So that ruined my day basically. I couldnt stop thining about it because once I found a duck in the middle of the road and it was alive. I carried it back home and during the walk I kept shaking it gently because it was gunna die on me and I couldnt bear to have something dead touching me..so I got it home and took it to the vet and they said "oh sign tese forms to put it down" they didnt even look at it or take it out the box to see if it could be healed. I would of looked after that duck. Just cos it was 'another duck' they thought oh well. That makes me angry too.