I wish I was able to know what was going to happen before everyone else. I wish I could know when my dad would snap and the monster owuld take over. then I'd run away and come back when everything was alright. I wouldn't have to listen to him put me down and abuse me. I hate him when he is like this. this time itsmore directed at mom though. Im staying here where he can't get me. I have no appitie and ugh Mom is cooking something full of fat for me. I can't take much of this anymroe. Last night I cut..and it felt really comforting. it was as if an old friend had come back and shook my hand. During work today I had to keep going to the bathroom and checking to see if my thigh was bleeding. I went a bit too deep and was paranoid all day that one would rip open again and my whole pants would be soaked and people would know. I am living a double life. At work I hear people saying how lovely my smile is and how im always helping out and kind. Well Im not very kind to myself..when im in my room I cry and never smile..When I walk out of my bedroom everymorning I am on show and when I walk into my bedroom at night I can peel of my many layers that I hide behind. I never hurt myself anywhere else, I never cry anywhere else. My room is my hiding place. I spent last night sticking up hundreds of glow in the dark stars and moons on the roof and walls. It looked so beautiful last night..I wish I could diaapear into a huge space and never be seen again. I wish it was just me and Vicky there.