I really want Ryan to hold me..We've been friends for like over a year and I know him really well and I trust him more than ever. He has already said that he loves me in that way but I already know it wouldn't work out because he lives in wellignton and ims tuck out here so we probably an hour away..and we would never get to see each other because we both work weekends and he has course and I have freaking school. I just want him to hold me though..everything would be better. Um I have gymnastics tonight and I'm going no matter what the doc says. I have a big open wound where my skin has all died because of the cellulitus. I AM GOING TO GYMNASTICS TONIGHT. Last night I had my defensive driving thing and when it finished at 9.30 I went driving into the hills and there was no one around and no houses so it was all dark and woah it was amazing. its my favourite road. I didn't want to go too fast because the cops hide in the bushes ready to catch the boy racers. and they coulda easily thought I was a boy racer haha. I have school soon and I really don't want to go. A guy in my class Jeremy, who also fucked my ex boyfriend, got up in assembly as well as this girl and started talking about the schools gay lesbian trans etc group. I wanted to shrivel up and die. But god it was brave of Jeremy to stand up infront of the school and basically admit that he is gay. Last night Dylan (Vicky's ex) tried to convince me to go tot he meetings but I am so scared to. last time there was the rugby team waiting out side the meeting to harrass the people who walked out. I told him I wasn't going and he said "okay then...".Iunno..Home is getting worse..my Dad was off from work yesterday and as soon as I got home he took me out side and kept saying "fucking chickens" and looking at where they had scrapped on a little bit of his garden. he was cursing them because the ducks and chickens were up on the front lawn where they shouldn't be and they only come up there when they are hungry and he had had his arse in bed for the whole day and not bothered to feed them so of course they would be up ont he front lawn! It really hurt what he was saying about my chickens. Its as if he was blaming me for being at school and not being able to feed them. Ugh he's such a bastard. And yesterday he made me drive him to get some cigerettes and started smoking them inmy car and argh! imma stop.