I was watching a bit of TV and my Dad randomly said "We need to have a talk about what you plan to do when you leave school" I was totally shocked, he brought it up out of no where. The truth is I am to scared to tell him what I want to be. I am scared to leave school and be independent again. Im scared that I won't be able to look after myself. I know I sound really silly but he thinks I don't think about it but I think about it all the time. I took the online ten question test to see if I have the requirements to be a poilice officer and the only thing that is holding me back is my eyesight. If my fitness isnt as good as they need it for me to get in then I can work on that, I havent got my full licence yet either but I can work on that too. Alll the tyhings I can easily work on except my eyesight. You have to have a certain un aided vision level and I dont know if I have it. Im scared that I dont because then all my dreams practically go down the toilet. I dont kjnow why I am scared about telling my Dad about what I want to do but  I am. We have never been talking properly since he got the angriest I had ever seen him when I refused to show him my wrist. He ruined my trust in him and ruined our relationship. He's not a gentle Dad and I dont trust him. My mom would prefer it if I worked in a fucking office wearing prissing coordinating outfits to work each day. She wants me to be a girl without muscles. I said to her the other day "Mom feel my arm muscles" and she did and she walked off. I wanted to see her reaction. And yesterday I wanted to watch american gladiators to see what it was like and she goies "You know there is girls in that too". Fucking hell, shes always dropping crueal little hints and saying stuff. She knows she has lost me as a daughter already so she just keeps getting worse and worse towards me. Im so scared that I am gunna have to look after myself and I wont be able to. Its my moms fault that I eat. She keeps buying stuff and leaving it all set out for me. She knows when I havent made myself dinner because she sees that there arnt any dirty dishes. I rely on my computer too much, playing sims or chatting. I forget to eat when Im on the computer, I dont want to anyway. I dont feel the need to eat. I figure out how rich im going to be because I wont need to buy pans or food or anything like that when im older. Im just so scared that I will continue to live as a loner. At school I am a loner, yeah I have friends that I hangout with but they dont tAlk to me like they used to. They dont make me laugh or ask me whats been going on. I am a year older than them and we sit together at breraks and they go over tests together and ask each other advice on the school work and I really wonder why they dont ask me about it since I did do it last year. Everyoen thinks im some thick dyke who wants to steal everyones gfs at school. My english teacher thinks I didnt pass my english exams last year because I cried in one of her classes through frustration with her. I got excellence in english exams last year. one of 5 in the school who did. Fuck, some guys say "hold onto your gfs" or other stupid comments. They dont get to me much because there gfs are all freaking hideous anyway way to fake and orange. I only liked one girl at my school. And about my shopping yesterday. Well I walked in and started looking for some pants. The lady must of thought I was a shop liftwer because she say me nervously looking around looking completly lost and she went up to me and asked if I was okay, I could see her remebering my face...I tried on the pants infront of the full length mirror. Its that mirror that does it. Revolted I put my pants back on and tyried on a top I picked out. It was yellow. Moms complaining that i always wear plain colours (which suits me) and so I wanted to surprise her and show her that she doesnt have me all figured out. In the end I got the top. Its yellow and has "little miss giggles" written on it and a picture of little miss giggles. My boobs ruin the whole top. They stick out and much up the writing and I hate looking at them. I hate them so much, they dont belong on my body. Imagine if I told my mom that! ahaha. Anyway the top was only $10 origionally from $30. Im not one on spending money so thats partly why I got it too. Imma play sims now..