As if i couldn't sink any lower. My writing is going again. I am doing more things without realising. For example last night I was trying to get to sleep and then I thought of being raped and then I saw my blade and thought well if I don't do just one cut then somthing bad will happen to me the next day. In the car today with Mom kind of the same thing happened. we were driving down a dirt road and it has two paths at one point because there is a tree going throught the middle of the road. When I get to that point I always say left or right? well I did today and she didn't tell me to go any way so I kept driving towards the tree and she eventually said "any!" so I went right. I was so upset that she haddn't told me what way to go. I always ask her "1 to 10" because when I was a learner driver I liked to know how safe she felt in the car, ten was the safest. today she said nine. I asked why and she said beause of the driving conditions and I was really angry because she didn't say ten. I said "say ten" and she did..but I was insistent that she said ten and meant it. She eventually did because I turned my window wipers on s that I wasn't partially blinded by the rain. I belived her and drove home quicker. I wasn't going home till she said ten. I fucking hate it. I hate this darkness which is looming again. I've been writing about Vicky in my poetry andyesterday ngiht I gave her two poems to read. she imediatley began to make me feel better and act like a girlfriend and actually talk to me. Today she is ignoring me again. It's always like this..If I do somthing for her then she becomes all loving again. I wish she could come back to me because she wants to and doesn't do it because she feels that she has to in response to me doing somthing nice for her. I feel like I'm being used but I have so much love towards her. All I want to do is care for her and keep her safe.