Feelings
I had been analytical pretty much all my life until my wife's passing. I was good at math in high school and I taught statistics and research methods at universities. My research is largely quantitative. I have been known as a very rational person. But the grieving process so far has been anything but rational. I am controlled by emotions or sometimes out of control "irrational" thinking. I am not trying to control cry....that is not what I am talking about. But feeling numb one moment and intensively sad the next....confident that "I can do this" one minute but feeling completely in dark the next....afraid of seeing people as a teacher who has to teach in front of a full room of students....feeling complete "normal" most nights after 11:00 but still afraid to see her photos....feeling normal at work, but falling apart at home. I can go on and on...
Some people say that being rational is to work with your mind, feeling emotional is to deal with your soul. Maybe my soul needs to be freed from this sense of rationality. Maybe I just need to let it go....just like how I learnt to cry by letting it go whenever it comes.....as they say "let it go, let it go, let your spirit go free". Maybe this grieving process has been too rational? Maybe I push too hard with my mind and analytic ability? Sadness, loneliness, emptiness, fearfulness, etc...I have been afraid of them because they can lead to pain....but can they become your friends? (We all have "pain-in-rear" friends, right?) How to turn them from unwanted feelings into energy for growth? Not sure I am making any sense now, but after all, do I need to make sense in grief? Should I?
Some people say that being rational is to work with your mind, feeling emotional is to deal with your soul. Maybe my soul needs to be freed from this sense of rationality. Maybe I just need to let it go....just like how I learnt to cry by letting it go whenever it comes.....as they say "let it go, let it go, let your spirit go free". Maybe this grieving process has been too rational? Maybe I push too hard with my mind and analytic ability? Sadness, loneliness, emptiness, fearfulness, etc...I have been afraid of them because they can lead to pain....but can they become your friends? (We all have "pain-in-rear" friends, right?) How to turn them from unwanted feelings into energy for growth? Not sure I am making any sense now, but after all, do I need to make sense in grief? Should I?
Replies
Sometimes you do have to just let those emotions take over and cry until you can\'t cry any more or be so angry you throw things. I know that you really can\'t do that at work so it has to be difficult.
I think this whole grief process is growth. Every day we survive we are learning which coping skills are working or not. We are finding our way in this world turned upside down.
Take out her picture and look at it. Sure it is going to make you cry at first, but one day you will look at that picture and smile.
I completely get the wild ups and downs. Impossible to manage the swings effectively and that\'s really hard for those of us used to being rational and in control. I don\'t have any answers but wanted you to know you\'re not alone in this. All the best, Sandy
PS my husband was a university professor too.
Hi Tiger,
Thanks for your heartfelt journal today. I believe the grief of our losing our spouse, has to be the most humbling experience one can feel. If this journey is travelled with God\'s wisdom, we can use this time as a wonderful, experience to grow. It seems you have a very logistical, analytical mind, for you, this emotional roller coaster is all foreign. Yes, in the Valley , where we have pain, fears, disappointments, sadness, confusion, if we seek God, that is where we find rest, in prayer. Sometimes, We OVERTHINK things and take away from God\'s Wisdom for our lives.
Grief for me is Work, and every emotion that comes with it. With God\'s help and guidance, I can try and move forward serve my Purpose for Him in this World.. The death of a spouse has such a profound affect one ones life, your soul and spirit can soar or die. We have the Choice. I deal with the sadness and loneliness of losing my husband every day, I try and make the right choice. Thanks for making me think. Have a good day Tiger.....hugs....Sandra
Tiger ..you make perfect sense to me... actually you put into words what I could not. I have always been more of an emotionally ruled person VS intellectual and to keep that comment in a term I can understand its simply more ruled by my heart than my brain. There have been \"studies\" done on grief and we have counselors to assist us ..tools to use...terminologies to learn but nothing compares to having someone that truly understands us. Unfortunately the way to really understand this journey is to join it. ..Though we are only cyber connected I hope you count me in with the others that understand you.....Please think of me and others as real friends....we don\'t always have to offer advice... we cant fix the broken you ...but we all understand you. As I look back on my personal journey I can actually see where I had my growth spurts....it doesn\'t lesson the pain but does make it a tad bit more understandable ...sending YOU a hug!!!
Tiger . . . you make absolute sense of the insanity and madness called \"grief\". It is an emotional journey the mind does not want to wrap itself around. Conflict between matter and spirit. Duality at it\'s best. The war is within and not without. We are all experiencing the same, yet it is a very personal journey. Analytic thinking doesn\'t work unfortunately, as I\'ve always been analytical myself (which means to separate, break apart . . . to understand). There is no comprehension of the emotions by the analytical mind . . nothing makes sense, nor should it. Right now we are living \"emotionally\" and soulfully. Thanks for your journal, it gave me pause to consider some of my struggles as well. Hugs to you my friend. xo, D
hi Tiger...
I haven\'t been online much and just saw this post.
I know what you mean about being analytical...for me, the pain of the grief was overwhelming at times, as I searched for \'why\' and \'but if I had done X\' excuses, reasons, to explain why all this happened. I largely took blame on myself for Rob\'s death (didn\'t help that his family treated me the same) until my therapist helped me realize he made the choices to neglect his health, not take his meds, live a lifestyle that contributed to his illness being so severe and leading to his early death.
I had to let go of the logic, let go of the analysis, and just allow myself to FEEL whatever I was feeling. Then I found trusted counsellors, friends, to help me express those feelings, in a healthier way. Anger was a constant companions, along with guilt and remorse.
I find now that the rollercoaster doesn\'t have as many highs and lows - just a few curves and twists now and again. It is becoming easier to bear...even though there\'s still triggers that set me off.
Be gentle, kind, with yourself, and allow it to flow...
Wishing you blessings.
- xo Jacq
Dear friends,
Thank you all VERY MUCH. Your suggestions and experiences are all very helpful for me to have perspective. I feel we are all bonded so strongly by this same human experience. Even if we don\'t meet, I know all of you already for a long time, which sometimes gives me a sense of satisfaction even in light of the tragic event of my wife\'s passing, that I gain so many dear friends....so many. Hugs to all of you from Hong Kong, Tiger
We would not experience joy without knowing sorrow...
Grieving \"experts\" say that most people go through the same stages. I don\'t know all the names and order, but I know there is Shock, Denial, Anger, Acceptance - so which are you in now? Or astride two or more, perhaps?
I love the pics you shared of Yan (and yourself, the Ghost in the Machine). You had a lot of courage to face the photos, and we thank you & applaud you for that.
I know what you mean about being analytical. I think that is also why I love music so much (listening/playing) because it is part intellectual, and then there is irrational soul.
My psychotherapist wife thought I have some mild autism, I don\'t pick up social cues very well. I think the way I learned to cope is to be very honest. Some times that\'s not appropriate, oh well. And one thing that bound me with my wife is love of truth & wisdom (philosophy) & beauty. And yeah, there were periods in our marriage when we were VERY emotional (both positive & negative).
So here I am on DS checking on my friends - which means YOU, my friend.