Trial
People say that trials come to everyone at least once in lifetime. My wife and my mom are two most important people in my life. Mom was having a pretty bad stroke in September 2014 in Beijing. One month later my wife was diagnosed with late stage cancer in Hong Kong. When the time came that my wife was claimed palliative and had 2 weeks to live, my only brother in Beijing couldn't visit because he had to take care of my mom. My wife's only brother and sister-in-law in Beijing could not come either because, as I was told that they either worked, were sick, had difficulty to travel etc. As the sole family caretaker in a foreign land (we'v only been in Hong Kong for 3 years) where we don't know many people, I was under tremendous amount of stress and was frequently consulted by my dearest friend Dira by phone. Feeling desperate, I pined all my hope on Dira who was in NZ. But at the last minutes before she was about to book a flight to Hong Kong, her husband, my friend Evan, fell and broke legs pretty badly. When Dira told me that, I knew immediately that this trial was for me and me ONLY.
My wife's situation deteriorated very quickly so I wasn't getting time to see my mom before my wife' passing. Two days after my wife's cremation, I flew back to Beijing to see my mom. On the last day of my 2-week visit, I had to send my father to hospital emergency for stomach and prostate issues. Last week, in my second visit to Beijing within two months of my wife's passing, I had to send my father again to hospital emergency room, again on my last day of stay. Guess what, my father never got sick between my two visits..... my trial continues.
The Chinese always say that family is most important at times of urgency. I say "what family"---at my wife's funeral there were six chairs reserved for family members and I was only family member there. All other were friends--they are my family.
My wife's situation deteriorated very quickly so I wasn't getting time to see my mom before my wife' passing. Two days after my wife's cremation, I flew back to Beijing to see my mom. On the last day of my 2-week visit, I had to send my father to hospital emergency for stomach and prostate issues. Last week, in my second visit to Beijing within two months of my wife's passing, I had to send my father again to hospital emergency room, again on my last day of stay. Guess what, my father never got sick between my two visits..... my trial continues.
The Chinese always say that family is most important at times of urgency. I say "what family"---at my wife's funeral there were six chairs reserved for family members and I was only family member there. All other were friends--they are my family.
Replies
I am so sorry you have gone through all this alone....tho I can hope that you have a spiritual side that surrounds you. May whatever it is in you that gives you comfort and guidance be there for you every single second...sending as much care to you as I possibly can
Hi Tiger . . I can totally relate to the feeling of aloneness in care taking compounded with a plethora of other familial issues. It can seem very overwhelming for sure. I agree . . my family are my friends. They are the ones that came, they are the ones that still reach out to help when they can. Jim\'s family, I haven\'t seen nor heard from since before he passed. It\'s hurtful, but I can\'t change that dynamic. I try to stay focused on the positive blessings and there are many, even in the midst of all the chaos and storms that keep coming at me. Buddha says that suffering is as much a part of life as happiness. Through our suffering, we grow stronger. I\'m working on acceptance rather than resistance. Not easy . . but I believe it is a better path. Thinking of you . . hugs, Dayna
Rather, my friends are my family . . wrote that one incorrectly. Ooops.
My immediate family, our daughter, is a wonderful person and helped a lot with the funeral plans and has been very close since then.
My extended family is not so great. I have one cousin whom I always liked, and she called me while I was with Arlene at the hospital. I should make an effort to keep up the communication. She is busy, and lives in New Orleans, I live in New York City.
When my mom became sicker and needed someone to pick her up from dialysis 3x a week, I was her only relative in NYC so I did what was needed. I had a bad relationship with her for more than 10 years, but a couple of years before the dialysis, I made an effort to improve the relationship. Around the time she had to go to assisted living, my wife\'s health started deteriorating. I can relate to your experiences juggling multiple responsibilities for parents and spouse.
I also have a few friends for years who are more like family than my actual family.
Tiger you have been through so much and I just wanted you to know you are being thought of. The most important lesson I have learned about this difficult walk we are taking is we have to be our own best friend. I am receiving more support and help from friends then I am from family. I love my family but they just wait for me to call them while friends will call to see how I am. I am accepting what I cannot change. Though at times it does hurt us. Hugs Big hugs to you!!