Nothing
The past week was a little frantic --lunches and dinners with friends, preparing tax return, writing exam paper, counselling, scheduling BJ trip to take care of mom next week, badminton game. When the weekend came, I was so tired physically and mentally. My counselor implied that I did too much of what I "have to", not much on what "I want" to. Maybe she is right. I still gave time to grieving--crying and praying in the garden daily, reading grief books, getting on DS, and seeing counselor etc. Sadness is still the dominant emotion, along with fear for future, emptiness, loneliness, and disbelief (is this really happening?).
Dira suggests to work on my faith and spirituality, which could eventually get me to the other side of grief. Next week I will go to Beijing to take care of mom (in stroke and unconscious) because her caregiver, Sister Sheng, will need to go back to her hometown to celebrate the Tomb Sweeping Festival in honor of her late husband. It has been 6 years since she lost him at age 42 (he was 40). She described to me a predominated feeling of emptiness and numbness during the first 3 months of his passing, saying that she cried to numbness in a stage of feeling no existence --no tears anymore, no appetite, no vision, nothing. Her son had to break everything in the house to get her out to a construction site to do hard labor for months so that she could feel herself. This reminds me of Mignon McLaughlin who says that "In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything and two minus one equals nothing." Am I nothing?
Dira suggests to work on my faith and spirituality, which could eventually get me to the other side of grief. Next week I will go to Beijing to take care of mom (in stroke and unconscious) because her caregiver, Sister Sheng, will need to go back to her hometown to celebrate the Tomb Sweeping Festival in honor of her late husband. It has been 6 years since she lost him at age 42 (he was 40). She described to me a predominated feeling of emptiness and numbness during the first 3 months of his passing, saying that she cried to numbness in a stage of feeling no existence --no tears anymore, no appetite, no vision, nothing. Her son had to break everything in the house to get her out to a construction site to do hard labor for months so that she could feel herself. This reminds me of Mignon McLaughlin who says that "In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything and two minus one equals nothing." Am I nothing?
Replies
You are a man who is hurting because your entire life has been changed a you have no control. That control will resurface. In a new awakening. Sharon
You are not nothing, because your wife feel in love with you, with the person you were before you knew her, that person is still there someone, right? At least, that is what I try to tell myself when I feel like nothing. I\'m also working on doing more of what I want while still doing what I need (though I tend to not give as much time to my grief as I should). I pray this week will be better for you.
It walked around numb.. Looking for my husband, showing him things in the store etc. and realizing he was not there... It was the worst about the 6 to 8th month... Then it hit me and all I could do is cry.... The realization of the truth hit me.... It passes.. BUT it was rough... Now you seem to be running from the feelings.. keeping busy so you do not have to look at your feelings... Things do get better... I will pray for you..
Two minus one still equals one in my humble opinion. You may feel empty (normal), you may feel alone (normal, you may feel sad (normal), you may feel as a nothing (normal) . . . all normal in early grief. Give yourself a break from over analyzing this journey. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and our feelings are all over the place. Just remember . . they are \"feelings\" and not always indicative of the reality of our lives and are subject to change. Patience my friend. This too shall pass. Hugs and prayers to you. xo, D
What a wonderful quote, Tiger! I certainly have been feeling this way. In my married life, I felt like I was the less important partner, so when my husband died, I wondered what was the purpose of my continuing since he was no longer there for me to take care of. After 6 weeks, I still feel like an impostor in my home. Even though it is filled with things I\'ve collected & we paid for it together, it still feels like HIS house and I shouldn\'t still be in it now that he\'s gone. However, I\'m working on growing a personality of my own. It sounds like you\'ve got a lot of \"have to\'s\" in your life right now. I\'m taking a break from working on my taxes, too. But it does sound like you are having some quality time with friends, so good for you. With an ill mom, working, and
not being close to home, you are doing great just keeping it all together. Have a safe trip and enjoy spending some time with your Mom.
Tiger, your journals really interest me, how simply you share your experiences, along with deep insights.
I also had to deal with a sick mom before my wife became sick. Even if doctors say your mom is unconscious, who knows, she may know you are there in some way.
Sometimes we can distract ourselves with obligations. After taking a week off when my wife died, I had to catch up on a lot of work, and I was the only one who could do it. Concentrating on the work gave me a little relief. When I stopped the work day, I dealt again with my feelings. Just don\'t get lost in other things; take some time for yourself, always.
It sounds like Sister Sheng helped you with a preview of the process you are beginning, at least for her. Her story is interesting, there are so many different stories, and deep inside we share similarities.
No you are not nothing. You are still the man your wife fell in love with. Death can\'t take that away from you.