sigh
I'm so tired. I've been doing a lot of stuff in real life lately and I'm just exhausted. That and the depression is kicking in. My birthday is 6 days away and counting. I don't know how I feel about it. I've been thinking a lot about "understanding". People don't "understand" each other. It's a false concept. Geo has depression, I have depression. You would think we would understand each other, but we don't.
My depression: When it gets bad, every moment of every day is devoted to thinking of new ways to kill myself. I get self-destructive and try and wreck everything in my life. BUT I have hope somehow. The one time I lost hope... well, I don't know how I survived. I was counting the pills to make sure it was going to work this time. Something happened, and I didn't do it. I can't imagine life without hope, even when I'm thinking 24/7 about killing myself.
Geo's depression- he doesn't get suicidal, he gets hopeless. He lives his life minute by minute, hour by hour, and can't think of the future. He is incapable of it because of his depression. I have lived with him for almost 5 years now, and this is about all I know about his depression, since he doesn't talk about it a lot.
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People don't understand my depression. I get so depressed sometimes that I can't get out of bed. People call me lazy. They don't know what the fuck they are talking about. I sometimes lie in bed, starving and having to pee like none other, and I'm trying to get one foot out of bed so I can use the bathroom and not wet the bed. If I had adult diapers (hypothetically) I'd pee them, and lie in bed in a wet diaper for hours, just because getting out of bed is that impossible. Then, for someone to call me lazy? FUCK YOU! You don't understand how huge of a goal sometimes just sitting at the computer is. Sometimes even that's hard.
So for someone to come up to me and tell me that they "understand" me? Go fuck yourself. You don't know what it's like to be burdened with depression, anxiety, PTSD flashbacks, years of mental abuse, mood changes so severe it makes my head spin and visual and tactile hallucinations that doctors can't even explain. You understand me about as well as you understand the sentence "desk future blue is nephron." Please, spare me your false pity and go shove it up your ass.
My depression: When it gets bad, every moment of every day is devoted to thinking of new ways to kill myself. I get self-destructive and try and wreck everything in my life. BUT I have hope somehow. The one time I lost hope... well, I don't know how I survived. I was counting the pills to make sure it was going to work this time. Something happened, and I didn't do it. I can't imagine life without hope, even when I'm thinking 24/7 about killing myself.
Geo's depression- he doesn't get suicidal, he gets hopeless. He lives his life minute by minute, hour by hour, and can't think of the future. He is incapable of it because of his depression. I have lived with him for almost 5 years now, and this is about all I know about his depression, since he doesn't talk about it a lot.
____________________
People don't understand my depression. I get so depressed sometimes that I can't get out of bed. People call me lazy. They don't know what the fuck they are talking about. I sometimes lie in bed, starving and having to pee like none other, and I'm trying to get one foot out of bed so I can use the bathroom and not wet the bed. If I had adult diapers (hypothetically) I'd pee them, and lie in bed in a wet diaper for hours, just because getting out of bed is that impossible. Then, for someone to call me lazy? FUCK YOU! You don't understand how huge of a goal sometimes just sitting at the computer is. Sometimes even that's hard.
So for someone to come up to me and tell me that they "understand" me? Go fuck yourself. You don't know what it's like to be burdened with depression, anxiety, PTSD flashbacks, years of mental abuse, mood changes so severe it makes my head spin and visual and tactile hallucinations that doctors can't even explain. You understand me about as well as you understand the sentence "desk future blue is nephron." Please, spare me your false pity and go shove it up your ass.
Replies
there is a book called \"i never promised you a rose garden\" its a true book. its relateable. its about her mental illness. checking into an asylum and going into assisted living. she has no idea why she became like that, but whatever they did for her, she did become okay.