Day 9
Well it has been about 2 months now since I came on here, definitely time to do some writing!
I have had quite a roller coaster ride the last couple of weeks. I had broken the cardinal rule of an addict and told myself I would do just a "little bit" of online poker. Of course it wasn't just a little bit it turned into quite a bit, but it wasn't necessarily money that was the problem it was the time I was wasting and the lying I was doing to hide it. I was playing for very long periods of time, trying to get it in whenever I could, and anticipating the next time I could play. I started to recognize it was becoming a problem once again and I was a little bit scared. But while there is money in the account it is basically impossible to stop - any money I put in I consider gone anyway so I play until it is gone, the goal is just to make it last and have "fun" with it. I ended up losing it all, and then planned to quit for a while. However, I got some really bad news and was really depressed last week, then on April 30 I took money out from my credit card for the first time in over a year and a half to gamble. It was again a small amount but there is a huge difference between playing with a bit of cash you saved up and borrowing money on a credit card - and I knew the whole time it was a bad idea I just didn't care, I wanted satisfaction, to drown my sorrows in cards, and I didn't even "play" poker, I gambled on poker, throwing money away, bluffing and chasing, not caring or thinking. And I regretted it, and immediately told myself I would take another 3 months off.
Then my wife out of the blue that night asked me if I had been playing poker?! I was shocked and stunned and without a beat said "of course not, where would you get that idea?" to which she said she had a dream about it or something. It wasn't until the following day that she brought it up again and said she double checked my computer and had apparently found my hand history. So... from that point until today my life has been a little upside down. What I thought was not a big deal was indeed a very big deal. My wife almost left me, and our relationship is still in question. My parents and family found out and although supportive as always were quite hurt. I told everybody that I felt I was doing better and able to control it, and to some extent I was but I do realize I was playing with fire.
So then I had to decide, and I have decided, to quit gambling entirely to save my relationship. I don't feel like I have a need to gamble anymore. I do want to be honest with my wife. I just need to remember when I am upset or mad at my wife that those feelings are temporary but marriage is forever and I don't want to throw it away for a silly game.
That was April 30, and so far I don't even have any urges. My family and wife want me to go to GA and I have set up an appointment to see a counsellor, but I really feel as if it won't be a problem. The only problem I foresee is can I stick to the plan and feel as if it is my choice, or will I reach a point where I feel I need to have the "freedom" to choose for myself, and if I am free to choose for myself what will my choice be? I know that I have hurt so many people in the past with my gambling that even the act of buy a lottery ticket, although I might think it was harmless would have serious repercussions if I got caught.
I have had quite a roller coaster ride the last couple of weeks. I had broken the cardinal rule of an addict and told myself I would do just a "little bit" of online poker. Of course it wasn't just a little bit it turned into quite a bit, but it wasn't necessarily money that was the problem it was the time I was wasting and the lying I was doing to hide it. I was playing for very long periods of time, trying to get it in whenever I could, and anticipating the next time I could play. I started to recognize it was becoming a problem once again and I was a little bit scared. But while there is money in the account it is basically impossible to stop - any money I put in I consider gone anyway so I play until it is gone, the goal is just to make it last and have "fun" with it. I ended up losing it all, and then planned to quit for a while. However, I got some really bad news and was really depressed last week, then on April 30 I took money out from my credit card for the first time in over a year and a half to gamble. It was again a small amount but there is a huge difference between playing with a bit of cash you saved up and borrowing money on a credit card - and I knew the whole time it was a bad idea I just didn't care, I wanted satisfaction, to drown my sorrows in cards, and I didn't even "play" poker, I gambled on poker, throwing money away, bluffing and chasing, not caring or thinking. And I regretted it, and immediately told myself I would take another 3 months off.
Then my wife out of the blue that night asked me if I had been playing poker?! I was shocked and stunned and without a beat said "of course not, where would you get that idea?" to which she said she had a dream about it or something. It wasn't until the following day that she brought it up again and said she double checked my computer and had apparently found my hand history. So... from that point until today my life has been a little upside down. What I thought was not a big deal was indeed a very big deal. My wife almost left me, and our relationship is still in question. My parents and family found out and although supportive as always were quite hurt. I told everybody that I felt I was doing better and able to control it, and to some extent I was but I do realize I was playing with fire.
So then I had to decide, and I have decided, to quit gambling entirely to save my relationship. I don't feel like I have a need to gamble anymore. I do want to be honest with my wife. I just need to remember when I am upset or mad at my wife that those feelings are temporary but marriage is forever and I don't want to throw it away for a silly game.
That was April 30, and so far I don't even have any urges. My family and wife want me to go to GA and I have set up an appointment to see a counsellor, but I really feel as if it won't be a problem. The only problem I foresee is can I stick to the plan and feel as if it is my choice, or will I reach a point where I feel I need to have the "freedom" to choose for myself, and if I am free to choose for myself what will my choice be? I know that I have hurt so many people in the past with my gambling that even the act of buy a lottery ticket, although I might think it was harmless would have serious repercussions if I got caught.
Replies
The fact you want your marriage over gambling is a choice you made freely. In your core, you know that\'s what you really want. Dont let that other temptation take that freedom away from you. Continue to write as you feel needed. I personally don\'t believe ga is the only way to deal with this. However it could make it easier for some people to deal with it rather then doing it alone. Recovery is a life time commitment to yourself and the journey is not easy but rewards is greater then anything else I\'ve ever known.
You should pat yourself on the back for not leaning on gambling today.
keep coming back and share please.