Day 1

I was doing some reading recently about how it takes about 90 days to really change the way our brain works. I have been doing "pretty good" lately, or so I told myself. I haven't made any huge mistakes, and I have kept my gambling to the occassional sports bet or poker game. And yet I recognized in myself a lot of the signs of an addict still. The mood swings, thinking about it a little too much, trying to think of ways to find "extra money" I can hide away for some future secret casino run.
I am still quite unhappy with my career, and it becomes very depressing after all these years that I start thinking maybe I will never figure it out or be happy. This is perhaps a desperate attempt to save myself or change myself because maybe I am the only one holding myself back. I don't know how to be happy, or to make more money, or do all the things I want in life, but I do recognize that certain behaviours are not healthy and could be contributing to my own stagnancy. 
I'm not just talking about gambling either, I engage in quite a few counter-productive behaviours that are possibly compulsive and I may be addicted. I was looking at the sex addicts board tonight, thinking maybe I need to join that too. I don't know if it is a real problem, but i do find it takes away my drive to do other things, I find myself spending too much time looking at it even when I tell myself I'm not going to, and it promotes living in a fantasy world instead of facing reality, similar to gambling. Another problem I seem to have is emotional eating. Most people would look at me and think I am in really good shape but my wife's body image issues must be rubbing off on me. I want to be healthier and lose a little extra weight but find myself despairing and secretly eating chocolate and McDonald's and then feeling really bad about it afterward. Another semi-obsessive behaviour is going on FB more and more lately, and not being able to stop even though I am not enjoying it, it doesn't make me happy it just sucks up too much time.
So, my plan is to write every day for 100 days, to help me abstain completely from porn, gambling, and over indulging in junk food (a little is fine but to make sure I do so as a "treat" and to be happy, not because I want to make myself feel bad, like the other day... its hard to explain I'm sure nobody will understand this part!) and limiting time spent aimlessly browsing FB or the internet.
Looking at this so far, wow, it seems like I have so many issues! I really do wish I could see a therapist, but I don't think I can afford it right now without health benefits. My marriage is also a constant source of ups and downs which is not good for me. I frequently think about ending it but then worry constantly about making the wrong decision. At the very least I want to rid myself of some of these demons so I can approach my relationship with a clear head to make the best decision for myself, clearly and confidently. Hopefully that clarity will also come to my career and what I should do. I'm smart and talented and not afraid to work hard I am just very bad at making a decision, narrowing it down to one thing instead of trying to start like 5 different businesses and jumping from one to the other and never really doing anything.
I also want to start a gratitude journal or something along those lines, but I'm not sure I will follow through if I start it. I find it much easier to see the glass as half empty, to see what I don't have, the downside to everything, and to thinking the grass looks much greener over there. Maybe it would help, to force myself to write down positive things every day...
For example, today I was in a bad mood, well mostly from yesterday, for some reason, everything is just annoying me, getting on my nerves, and making me depressed. I am off work this week, and instead of enjoying a week off I am thinking about how much a failure I am, how I don't like my job and how hard it is, even though I only get paid for part time hours, and how I need to find more work or different work, to make more money. If I really wanted to focus on the positive I could be glad to have extra time to catch up on some work, sleep and projects. I could remind myself to be glad that I have a house a car and a life partner. The problem is anytime I try to do this I can't help but see the fly in the ointment (I think that's the appropriate phrase?) The house is too far from the city, the car costs too much, the wife is never home and very controlling of me... how do I focus on JUST the positives? I was reluctant to leave the house today but got myself out to meet the wife for lunch and it lifted my spirits a bit. Tomorrow is a new day and full of possibilities I suppose, the key is to make a plan for the day in the morning, list a few things to do but not too many, and then stick to the plan!