I've been wanting to drink lately. It has been many years since I have had a drink and I need to remember the shame, humiliation, fear and self-loathing that I felt when I drank.
I was a falling-down, blacking out drunk. I woke up one morning and did not know where my black eye and swollen face had come from. I had been rolling in the dirt somewhere - I knew that because my clothes were ripped and filthy.
I had been drinking for about 12 years but got sober a few days after that experience - and my life changed. I cannot drink - it will change my life back.
I was a falling-down, blacking out drunk. I woke up one morning and did not know where my black eye and swollen face had come from. I had been rolling in the dirt somewhere - I knew that because my clothes were ripped and filthy.
I had been drinking for about 12 years but got sober a few days after that experience - and my life changed. I cannot drink - it will change my life back.
Replies
You hang in there, Linda. I think it\'s so important that you are facing this head on like you are doing here. Reminding yourself of what it was like when you were drinking. Keep surrounding yourself with supportive people and know that you are deeply loved. xxx
Dear Linda Jean,
I am sorry but I have more bad news for you. If you drink now it will take you back to the exact spot that you stopped at!!!! Unfortunately you do not get a new beginning with booze. The minute your pick up again it will be at the exact low point that drove you to stop to begin with. I know because I have tried a couple of times. Eric
what is it that\'s making you crave it Linda? x
Whatever demons you have inside yourself that is causing you to want to go back to drinking. You need to rebuke them. You are stronger than that, you need to take control of your emotions and know that it\'s only a passing phase. You have gone through so much in your life. Why do you want to cripple your emotions and diminish yourself? You need to fill yourself with self-love and keep your body, voice, mind, spirit, and heart strong. You are such a beautiful soul. Of course, the demons would want to destroy it. Don\'t let them. Drinking is not the answer. Living your life to the fullest is the answer. True it may be difficult at times. But then other times it\'s beautiful, comforting and loving. And isn\'t it nice to feel those sensations when you\'re feeling life itself.
Hey LJ
I don\'t know how I missed this journal entry, sorry. I am not a cheerleader, and I am not going to tell you to hang in, and I do not have to tell you where you will wake if you drink again, you already know.
You gotta do the work again, Linda. Sometimes the answers and reasons and motivations we found long ago are no longer all there is now. Because we have been sober, we have been able to live lives and we have had experiences that can cause as much pain and desire as the original ones. And sometimes we forget that as addicts, we can\'t stuff them away for another day, they will come back to get us before we get to getting back to them.
It sucks, we never seem to get to be done. But we do get to be sober, we get to maek that choice. That is the beauty of it, and the beauty of life is our choice. Even when it seems like that is not what we can see today, we know that if we reach for it, it is there.
You know what to do, just some days it seems like \"damn, again?\" But you also know that on the other side of that is only good.
xox nikki
Remember that photo you had of the little girl suze that your friend sent you? she was a very determined little gal..
I see you being the same.We have many temptations but determination and a little coat will get you down the path of happiness.. Thank you for your kindness..