How did we get here? That's what keeps going through my head, what keeps me up at night. Ed seemed healthy, how could I have been so naive? When the doctor in the ER came in to say he had a heart attack after waiting for over 9 hours to find out what was wrong felt like I had been shot in the stomach. I couldn't look at him because I knew I would lose it. I grabbed the phone and told him I needed to call his parents. That was the hardest phone call I have ever made. Ed was the first born son, the older brother, the protector and center of that family. I couldn't stop shaking. They live on the other side of the state so it wouldn't be until the next day that they could come. I went back into the hospital and Ed told me I needed to go home to be with the kids. I knew this, but was so torn. How could I leave him there? How could I go home without him when I'd been texting the kids that the doctor said it was just the flu and he was dehydrated? How could I tell them that he had a heart attack on Christmas Eve and hadn't said a word?
He was supposed to come home on 12/31/2013. He has sitting up and taking all of his meds on his own. We had appointments set up and had met with all of the doctors on his aftercare. I had spent 4 hours with him that last day at the hospital never knowing that would be the last time I saw him alive. Again, he told me I needed to go home, this time to avoid traffic. I told him I'd be back in the morning to bring him home. His younger brother was flying in from SC at that moment. He was going to help us get him home. We talked a couple of short times before the phone rang at 7pm. It was the hospital telling me I needed to get there asap. It took a couple of minutes for it to sink in. I asked is this what I think it is, my kids and mother in law were staring at me. The voice on the phone said, yes. By the time I got there he was gone. 45 years old and gone. No time to get affairs in order, communicate where things are, to say goodbye or thank him for the last 16 years. Just gone....
I don't know what I can get out of this. I've been doing everything on my own fot the most part. I have kept the household going, the kids going as best I can. I go to work everyday and pay all of the bills on time. But no matter what i do, he is still gone. I still go to bed alone, wake up alone and cry alone. I get that he wouldn't want me to be in this pain. But that doesn't make it go away. I work in retail and I see older couples and I am so mad because that will never be us.
He was supposed to come home on 12/31/2013. He has sitting up and taking all of his meds on his own. We had appointments set up and had met with all of the doctors on his aftercare. I had spent 4 hours with him that last day at the hospital never knowing that would be the last time I saw him alive. Again, he told me I needed to go home, this time to avoid traffic. I told him I'd be back in the morning to bring him home. His younger brother was flying in from SC at that moment. He was going to help us get him home. We talked a couple of short times before the phone rang at 7pm. It was the hospital telling me I needed to get there asap. It took a couple of minutes for it to sink in. I asked is this what I think it is, my kids and mother in law were staring at me. The voice on the phone said, yes. By the time I got there he was gone. 45 years old and gone. No time to get affairs in order, communicate where things are, to say goodbye or thank him for the last 16 years. Just gone....
I don't know what I can get out of this. I've been doing everything on my own fot the most part. I have kept the household going, the kids going as best I can. I go to work everyday and pay all of the bills on time. But no matter what i do, he is still gone. I still go to bed alone, wake up alone and cry alone. I get that he wouldn't want me to be in this pain. But that doesn't make it go away. I work in retail and I see older couples and I am so mad because that will never be us.
Replies
Oh! I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Your journal, saddens me to the core.
I had 2 and a half years, to grieve the losses I felt during that time. My husband died of cancer. I am thankful for at least having time to prepare for his death.(it\'s still the most difficult, painful journey to go on)
My heart goes out to you, I can only imagine how it must feel to be left in total
Shock. Please try and keep posting here, there are so many younger widows,
Who have experienced the same trauma, you and your children have experienced. It helps to share. I cry for you as I read your journal......once again....I am so, so sorry.
Sandra
Its amazing how much this is like a roller coaster...Up and down emotionally. For a few months I was doing pretty good, kids and working 50+ hours a week kept me busy for sure. But the nights are so bad. We always kept the kids on a schedule for school. Early bed times because they get up early for school. That was when we could just have \" mommy & daddy\" time. Nothing ever too fancy, a movie or favorite tv show before calling it a night ourselves. Now after the kids go to bed I almost dread walking down the hallway to the bedroom. It seems to be the trigger that reminds me of his being gone. Like I need a reminder. Ha! But i can almost feel it was over me, the sense of loss is so overwhelming that I just cry and cry like it all happened again. I end up crying myself to sleep, then start waking up around 3am. I get up at 4am for work and getting the kids ready for their day So I sleep, but never feel rested.
I always tell Ed I am sorry. I am sorry I didn\'t recognize the signs he was having a heart attack. He knew something was up, but didn\'t want to \"ruin\" Christmas. He had the fist heart attack the morning of 12/24. I had to go to work. I\'m sorry that I believed the doctors when they said he was coming home and had a good prognosis. They were wrong. If I knew it was that serious, I never would have left his side. We had talked about it too, he said I will be home Tuesday...he died Monday night. I was at home with the kids and his Mother. I will never forgive myself that he died alone.