TTC
I'm trying to get pregnant. I seriously might be the first woman in my family who ever actually planned a pregnancy. I'm not joking. same goes for my boyfriend.
Ugh!! How do women do this? I'm so scared. What if the baby dies? what if the baby lives? Will I be able to quit smoking in time? Can I stand injecting myself everyday? Can I find a decent doctor? What if my insurance won't pay for high risk doctors because I only had one stillborn baby?
See? This is what I'm hearing in my head, just non-stop "what if" or "this is insane" "why are you doing this to yourself??"
I do want a baby. It didn't seem real until I was laying in bed with my bf last night and I thought, "remember that little angel you thought you were going to bring home from the hospital? Remember how you dreamed you could lay her down between you two and just hold the two greatest loves of your life? We can still do that!" And then I started crying, of course. I'm such a cry baby right now.
The thing is, while I was pregnant with Sophia I was thinking of her as my life raft. I had kind of lost my way, and I was thinking, this is going to be someone to live for. Someone who's always going to love me, someone who I can motivate myself for. If I know I'm trying to finish school to support my baby, I can do it. I feel that way now, too. I do want a family so much.
But the thing is, I'm 20 years old! Sophia was unplanned, but to plan a baby at my age? I'm not working, we live on student loans and my boyfriends paycheck, which just covers our monthly bills now, imagine that with a baby on top of it!
You know? I'm going to college with two years left, can I do this? When I was ready to have Sophia I knew I could, but that was then and this is now.
Mainly I'm just terrified that I might lose this baby too. I do have a clotting disorder, I'll have to inject blood thinners daily, and I'm going to be so terrified the whole way through my pregnancy. I can't bury another child, I just can't. How horrible must that be to bury two children in a row like that? To live with that pain forever? OMG. I can't imagine and I don't want to.
But how can I let fear rule my life? If I want to be happy I have to stick my neck out there and risk getting hurt, right? But the thing is I'm not sure I can take any more hurt right now...
My brain feels like a minefield at the moment. It seems like every choice is wrong. So I might as well go with the wrong choice that ends with me holding a little baby and bringing him/her home, right? :)
Ugh!! How do women do this? I'm so scared. What if the baby dies? what if the baby lives? Will I be able to quit smoking in time? Can I stand injecting myself everyday? Can I find a decent doctor? What if my insurance won't pay for high risk doctors because I only had one stillborn baby?
See? This is what I'm hearing in my head, just non-stop "what if" or "this is insane" "why are you doing this to yourself??"
I do want a baby. It didn't seem real until I was laying in bed with my bf last night and I thought, "remember that little angel you thought you were going to bring home from the hospital? Remember how you dreamed you could lay her down between you two and just hold the two greatest loves of your life? We can still do that!" And then I started crying, of course. I'm such a cry baby right now.
The thing is, while I was pregnant with Sophia I was thinking of her as my life raft. I had kind of lost my way, and I was thinking, this is going to be someone to live for. Someone who's always going to love me, someone who I can motivate myself for. If I know I'm trying to finish school to support my baby, I can do it. I feel that way now, too. I do want a family so much.
But the thing is, I'm 20 years old! Sophia was unplanned, but to plan a baby at my age? I'm not working, we live on student loans and my boyfriends paycheck, which just covers our monthly bills now, imagine that with a baby on top of it!
You know? I'm going to college with two years left, can I do this? When I was ready to have Sophia I knew I could, but that was then and this is now.
Mainly I'm just terrified that I might lose this baby too. I do have a clotting disorder, I'll have to inject blood thinners daily, and I'm going to be so terrified the whole way through my pregnancy. I can't bury another child, I just can't. How horrible must that be to bury two children in a row like that? To live with that pain forever? OMG. I can't imagine and I don't want to.
But how can I let fear rule my life? If I want to be happy I have to stick my neck out there and risk getting hurt, right? But the thing is I'm not sure I can take any more hurt right now...
My brain feels like a minefield at the moment. It seems like every choice is wrong. So I might as well go with the wrong choice that ends with me holding a little baby and bringing him/her home, right? :)
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