Sometimes
Sometimes I think that I'm ok. Sometimes I feel renewed like I did today, watching the sun come out for the first time in a long time IT'S SPRING! The worst and darkest winter of my life is over, and I can see alot of good things coming towards me everyday.
And sometimes when my sleeping pills don't work i lay awake and think of her little hands and feet and how I prayed her little body wouldn't get cold and that she would just WAKE up!!!! I think something is wrong, I can't cry. I did the other night for the first time in a long time, but even then it was only a few tears, I want to scream and break things and yell. When I pictured my graduation I thought I would be holding a 9 month old sweet little baby girl and one day I'd show her the pictures and tell her, see? you took college classes before you were even born!!
I'm holding it all in to make it through the days. I still feel guilty sometimes for being happy. I want to cry damnit! But this voice in my head is just telling me to be strong, and keep moving on. I'm scared that if I really cry and realize that this is real and really happening that I won't be able to get back up again. I'm scared that if I stop denying the truth that I will finally just break down. I feel like I can't live without her. She was my heart and soul. How can I live without my heart? :(
And sometimes when my sleeping pills don't work i lay awake and think of her little hands and feet and how I prayed her little body wouldn't get cold and that she would just WAKE up!!!! I think something is wrong, I can't cry. I did the other night for the first time in a long time, but even then it was only a few tears, I want to scream and break things and yell. When I pictured my graduation I thought I would be holding a 9 month old sweet little baby girl and one day I'd show her the pictures and tell her, see? you took college classes before you were even born!!
I'm holding it all in to make it through the days. I still feel guilty sometimes for being happy. I want to cry damnit! But this voice in my head is just telling me to be strong, and keep moving on. I'm scared that if I really cry and realize that this is real and really happening that I won't be able to get back up again. I'm scared that if I stop denying the truth that I will finally just break down. I feel like I can't live without her. She was my heart and soul. How can I live without my heart? :(
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