How can i miss someone that i never even knew? How can such a small angels loss be the defining moment of my life? How could my body create such a beautiful Angel and i never realized it until it was too late? I miss you so much Sophia. Oh God i hate this so much. I want her back, i don't want to go on pretending i'm "alive" without her.
You know, i waited for what seemed like forever just to meet her. I was so excited for everything we were gonna have together, i wanted to do everything for her that my parents didn't do for me. I was freaking giddy i was so excited. That was the last two months of being pregnant. And i was happy, REALLY happy. I was in love and waiting for my first baby girl who i knew her daddy would love like nothing else in the world. I had everything i had been wanting for so long, and just in 2 seconds it was GONE. i didn't care about anything else after she left me. And when i saw her, it was instant love. But she was dead. What scared me too is that she looked so much like me.
I couldn't understand it, i still don't. why would she just die like that? 38 weeks and her heart just stops? WAS it a clot? or was it Downs syndrome? was it cord compression, or another birth defect? what happened??!! And why? why why why why
Sometimes i feel so guilty about thinking of having another baby. I wish i could seriously say i'll never have another and that i can just live my life without that kinda pain. But i can't. And its gonna  be so awful to deal with the anxiety of possibly losing another baby. I don't want another baby though, i want Sophia. I can't imagine there will ever be a more perfect and beautiful baby than her. I want to hold HER i want to kiss her and rock her to sleep. I don't want a different baby i want my angel back. And if life was fair i'd have her.