Well been a while since i wrote in here i dont know why it takes me so long to write another post (sorry jann and guypaul) well iam going to have my lump taken out on saturday 8th march not scared at all . i am having big problems coping at the monet iam so fucking depressed over everything being raped losing my dad being fat beng bulimic not haviong control over my thoughts just being me i feel like iam getting close to killing my self i cant control i have been thinking about cutting so much lately i just cant see any way of getting better i feel awfull i have been drinking more taking cocaine more the fucking lot iam heading for a breackdown i can feel it i cant tell anyone as i will have to take time off from work and i dont want to do that as i know if i do it wil make me worseplease ay one help me b4 its to l8
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oh hun, im so sorry that you feeling so bad....honestly i think you need to call someone to take you to the hospital or treatment center for help.....i know you dont want to go but im worried that your life is now at risk. the only option i know of is to go and stay in the hospital for as long as they want you to so you can get well.....you need to stop drinking and doing coke as this is going to kill you sooner rather that later....you have so much on your plate right now that its become unmanageable....no one i know could possibly cope with what your going through right now....again i urge you to please ask for help from a proffessional that can help you right now....im worried about you and i need you to be ok.....you have lots of people here to help you get through all of this and you will never be alone....you are a great person and you need to take care of yourself right now.....im sending you all the strenght that i have....wish i could be there to give you the hug that you so much need right now.....remember im thinking of you....hope to hear from you soon....lots of love...xxxxoooo jann
I shoulda read your journal before I responded to your message.
You\'re right. You need help right now. And if that means walking into a hospital, police station or social worker\'s office and saying what you just said right here, then do it. Do it now.
I can understand wanting to use the job to occupy time that you might otherwise be destroying yourself. In that case, busy hands might be a good thing. But what with your extreme difficulty allowing your body to have nutritional care, you\'re probably not at your best emotionally anyway. Cocaine will kill you eventually if you keep flirting with it. It\'s killed a lot of my friends one way or another. Booze is just gonna bring you down.
Can you try some physical activity (that\'s good for you) or water therapy like swimming, a bath or a shower when you get the hurting urge? Can you get your buzz from coffee instead of coke?
I was also raped when I was young. I didn\'t tell anyone. And then I had about 10 years of time when it wasn\'t all that uncommon for me to be date raped. Part of the problem was I thought I was such crap that, instead of talking about the sexual assaults with a therapist, I just blamed myself. I also had a spell when I was in my early teens that I was fat, followed by about 15 years where I had to stand sideways in the shower to keep from washing down the drain. I just went to extremes, but trauma does strange things to one\'s ability to reason.
Now, I\'m just middle-age bellied. Part of it is caused by my medication. Part of it is because I am not active. But part is just the blissful letting go of feeling like I was only worth something if I could turn some heads. I\'m not objectifying myself so much anymore. Sometimes people say I\'m handsome, but I don\'t NEED it anymore. I haven\'t even dated in 13 years and I\'m completely cool with that. I like the time I spend with my dog.
I know I say it to you many times, but life really does get better. You\'ll learn to make better decisions for yourself and after a while those decisions feel right. You\'ll find yourself choosing healthier habits and more supportive environments. It\'s all a work in progress, and though you won\'t forget what you went through, it will attain a more realistic and manageable perspective in your own big picture.
When I write to you, I remember when I hated myself and was convinced I was worse than cat shit, and I remember it hurt and seemed so utterly hopeless. I suppose it was a blessing that I was diagnosed HIV then and all my friends were dying. It gave me less time to think about killing myself, and more time to try to stay alive.
You might try thinking about caring for yourself the way you would have liked to care for your dad if he had allowed you to. Suicide is such a betrayal and it hurts to be abandoned by anyone, but especially a parent. I know you\'re close to bailing out, but I\'m asking you to trust me and stick around. Wait at least until you have crow\'s feet (it happens sooner than you think.) or your first gray nose hair. There\'s a moment to look forward to! Your life really could turn out to be whole. I swear that life will not always be this difficult.
One more idea ... this one might be a little ahead of where you are right not .. but if you can think of anything to hope for; to dream for. Even something to want. Even some material object ..... tape a picture of it to your bathroom mirror or the ceiling in your bedroom ... someplace where you\'ll see it a lot .. and start training yourself to believe in it. Hope really can be rebuilt.
omg guys thank you so much what you have both said makes ense i do need help and soon b4 its to late i romise to keep you up to date with things xxxxx
Every time you write something I breathe a little easier. You\'ve been through a lot, booze and coke mess with your emotions, and you\'re still young enough that your mind hasn\'t quite gotten used to the rhythm of riding through the storms in life.
For all of these reasons, I do have concern for you. I just hope you\'ll believe me that this won\'t be your reality forever. My life has taken so many turns over the years -- and I\'m not a particularly outgoing or risk-taking person -- that I\'m sure yours is destined for some amazing moments of happiness. Work on building hope.
I had to start really small at first: My therapist at the time told me to go to a hardware store and pick out a paint sample card (we call them paint chips in the U.S.) of the color I liked the best. She said, \"Don\'t ask anyone else what they think of the color. Don\'t tell anyone else which color you picked. Just pick it for yourself and keep it to yourself.\" The idea was to get me to know who I was - just for me - and that I could choose things - just for me - that didn\'t need to meet with anyone else\'s approval. These days, I\'m working on learning how to hope.
All of this stuff can be learned, but sometimes you\'ve got to start really small.
I\'m always wishing the best for you.