Here we go again.
I don't understand why it is that I can go for days or a week and be emotionally stable. I can have an even frame of mind and truly believe that my life will be ok. Whether or not we can make our marriage work, whether or not we move, whether or not we have contact with the OC/OW- I can consistently be positive for myself and focus on making my marriage work. I want physical attention from my H, hugs, communication...etc. And then out of nowhere- BAM! I am a basketcase again. Can't stop crying long enough to get my make-up on before work, can't stop obsessing about what he did with another woman, can't get out of the "Woe as me" attitude- HOW could he DO this to me???? And I am so filled with hurt and rage I just want to punch him in the face. Seriously, when I think about hitting him, my fists involuntarily clench up. I just want to hit him SO HARD!!! I can't stand this pain- how do you let go of it? Maybe I'm not ready to let it go or maybe I just don't want to. I read the term "emotional cutter" on someone else's post and I wonder if that is what I'm doing to myself? Allowing these horrible thoughts to come into my mind. I should have known this was going to happen this morning. Anytime I have a bad night or his behavior puts me on the edge of the slippery slope of doubt, I know it will carry over into my emotions for the morning. The only way I was able to fall asleep last night was to turn my lamp back on and start reading my bible until I couldn't keep my eyes open. Maybe that's just what I need to do right now to re-group.
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Ahh the roller coaster. I know it well. I hate the days when nothing triggers it. Just whoop there it is. Like you I turn to spiritual texts. Right now I am reading Buddhism for Mothers. It reminds me that I need to find inner peace and that the trigger and pain are temporary. It reminds me that my most important role is that of mother to my children and that I must remain mindful of this above all else. I also do the count what I have thing. We have a house, kids that are loved, food, heat, and so on. It helps sometimes and other times I just have to go on the ride. Hugs to you this morning.
Well said, State. I just had quite a roller coaster ride myself this past week. I am proud that you recognized the trigger of having a bad morning follow a rough night. I realized that I typically have a bad day that follows a particularly stressful work day. I tend to take it out on my husband. Perhaps you can do something special for yourself the next time you feel that happenening. Massage, go for a walk, read a book, meditate, etc.
I downloaded meditations for a difficult time on my ipod and it has helped tremendously.
That\'s what I am going to try to do. The next time I feel the anger bubbling over - I am going to take walk, breathe, take a bath, or talk it out.
I completely understand your need to want to hit your husband, and I\'m glad that you didn\'t do it. Thankfully - I\'ve never done it either, but I\'ve thought about it on a few times, and I\'m not a violent person. I have thrown papers at him, but that is also unlike me.
My therapist said that when we have that anxious feeling to cry, run away, or hit (insert any anxious feeling here) - that it is our adrenaline taking control since our brain is overwhelmed. He said that the best natural remedy is to exercise to get the blood flowing, and release the endorphins to regulate the adrenaline. If the adrenaline builds up - it causes depression and anxiety. The exerise also tires us out and helps us to think more clearly. Sending good thoughts your way!
mmm...i am well acquainted with your rollercoaster...but the first thing I thought of when I read your post was the month - isn\'t the OC a year old this month? That is huge - like any holiday or special date...looming over you...marking his adultery in a very concrete way. My husband\'s other daughter will be one on April 6th. I will be drinking a couple bottles of wine that day - trying to become as oblivious as possible.
Hmmm...while we are discussing maladaptive coping strategies - I, unlike you gave in to my urges and did hit him - and he let me! (easily could have stopped me, but didn\'t). I know that is not a constructive or therapeutic way to deal with my emotions - but really? I don\'t think he dealt with his emotions in a constructive or therapeutic way when he was screwing around for 2 yrs - so why do I always have to be the martyr? Why do I have to be the one to \'take the high road\' all the time? Anyway, long story short - I hit him...a few times... I felt much better...looking at his blackened eye made me smirk everyday for the week it was there...and I don\'t have any more urges to hit him now. Of course, I\'m not recommending any particular course of action - just owning up to my actions ;-)
actually, I never said I haven\'t hit him in the past. I\'m just trying not to do it now. The day the atty told me that my H cheated because the DNA test was positive was when I left him standing in the parking lot as I drove away and he had to walk home. When he finally got home and tried to get into our locked house, I walked out the porch doors and physically attacked him until my son walked onto the porch and I had to stop. I also hit him a couple weeks after that, at which point he said he wasn\'t going to accept it anymore. Kind of pissed me off actually, that he was the one drawing a line, but I suppose hitting is not really acceptable. What bothers me is that I didn\'t get it out of my system and I still sometimes have those urges. and I can\'t even say what I would like to do to her. She is not an innocent, misinformed OW- she pursued him, knowing he was married, had a pregnant wife and daughter- even after I told her to stay away from my family. I just hate feeling this way, it\'s really only hurting me and my relationship. I hate that she has so much control over my emotions. I hate that my heart is so filled with anger and revenge. Months before we received child support papers in the mail, she mailed a letter to my H\'s parents with a pic of her newborn stating that she just wanted them to know she was the mother of their new granddaughter. I just found out who her parents are and where they live and I would love to take my own revenge and inform them of their daughter\'s behavior- I wonder if they even know the truth about the situation- they do not live in the same town we do. I\'m trying SO hard to leave the revenge to God and ask him to heal my heart. I guess I just need to keep praying.
Hearing about the anger and thoughts of revenge that you felt...well I have been there. There are so many days that I want to stay on the high road. There are also days that I want tell everyone that I know and that she knows (small city). I have sent her a couple messages, but stopped. She replied calling me names...seriously. She feels no remorse at all and will continue to this contact until our marriage is over.
I would say to you (and myself) to stay away from revenge. You are already the better person.
((hugs))
oooh wow...agian - why do whe have to be the martyrs? the pack mules that keep having emotional baggage loaded on their shoulders and we respond with a smile? talk about codependency. I say let it out! Send her parents a letter - a picture of your family - let them know what she did. Tell your town - maybe you\'ll save another victim from her if they all know to watch for her... You need to get it out if it is still causing this much anxst for you! You have done and are doing enough by keeping your families and minds together at this point...be kind and let yourself have some release!