Here we go again.

I don't understand why it is that I can go for days or a week and be emotionally stable.  I can have an even frame of mind and truly believe that my life will be ok.  Whether or not we can make our marriage work, whether or not we move, whether or not we have contact with the OC/OW- I can consistently be positive for myself and focus on making my marriage work.  I want physical attention from my H, hugs, communication...etc.  And then out of nowhere- BAM!  I am a basketcase again.  Can't stop crying long enough to get my make-up on before work, can't stop obsessing about what he did with another woman, can't get out of the "Woe as me" attitude- HOW could he DO this to me????  And I am so filled with hurt and rage I just want to punch him in the face.  Seriously, when I think about hitting him, my fists involuntarily clench up.  I just want to hit him SO HARD!!!  I can't stand this pain- how do you let go of it?  Maybe I'm not ready to let it go or maybe I just don't want to.  I read the term "emotional cutter" on someone else's post and I wonder if that is what I'm doing to myself?  Allowing these horrible thoughts to come into my mind.  I should have known this was going to happen this morning.  Anytime I have a bad night or his behavior puts me on the edge of the slippery slope of doubt, I know it will carry over into my emotions for the morning.  The only way I was able to fall asleep last night was to turn my lamp back on and start reading my bible until I couldn't keep my eyes open.  Maybe that's just what I need to do right now to re-group.