Struggling

I took a 4 week leave of absence from work during the holiday season- it was a huge blessing for me- it's just so hard to focus on certain things right now.  I've been back to work for 2 weeks.  Some days I feel like I have it together, looking at the bigger picture and trying SO HARD to trust God's plan.  He knows it and I don't.  But it still hurts SO MUCH!!  At times I wish I could just run away, I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, like I would give anything to not be me for a little while.  At times I think this would be so much easier if we were just getting a divorce.  The kids and I would move out of this town (his hometown, not mine) and I would be able to start over- focusing on only myself and my kids.  Finding new friends, new church, new beginning.  But I don't know if, in the end, that would make me truly happy.  We have been together for 10 years and through all the lies and betrayal- he still feels like home to me.  Is that completely crazy?  Am I just being weak?  I used to think of myself as a very independent and strong person- not any more.  He just wants to focus on moving forward, he gets frustrated with me for bringing up ANYTHING that has to do with the past and I don't do it that often, but sometimes I can't help it- I have not forgiven him yet and I can't seem to let it go either.  It's eating me up!  Not to mention that we will, very soon, have to start dealing with the issue of visitation with his illegitimate child.