Missing him...
I am having a hard time today not missing my ex. My heart hurts and I keep thinking about all the good times we had together, the close connection that used to exist between us.
I think I am really mourning the loss today.
I have been in contact with him. After I wrote him on Monday, he did respond with the message in my last journal post, but since then has sent me the lyics to two songs.
Here is the first:
It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to knowYou are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all fromtime to time.Talk Talk - I've felt the coldness of my winterI never thought YOU would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us...But I know that I love you soThese are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fallThis is the wonder of devotion - I seek the torch we all must hold.This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall...It's just a little rain...
The Rain Song, Zeppelin.
And the second song:
10 years gone, Zeppelin.
Then as it was, then again it will beAn' though the course may change sometimesRivers always reach the seaFlyin' skys of fortune, each have separate waysOn the wings of maybe, downy birds of preyKind of makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to goBut as the eagle leaves the nest, it's got so far to goChanges fill my time, baby, that's alright with meIn the midst I think of you, and how it used to beDid you ever really need somebody, and really need 'em badDid you ever really want somebody, the best stuff you ever hadDo you ever remember me, baby, did it feel so good'Cause it was just the first time, and you knew you wouldDo the eyes not sparkle, Senses goin' keentakes me a love for 'long the way, to see her feathers preenKind of makes makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to goWe are eagles of one nest, The nest is in our soulVixen in my dreams, with great surprise to meNever thought I'd see your face the way it used to beOh darlin', oh darlin'ooooh oh darlin''ey yeaaahoh darlin'I'm never gonna leave ya. I'm never gonna leaa-eaave yaten years goneten years gone, holdin' on, ten years goneten years gone, holdin' on, ten years gone
******************************************
We went back and forth a couple of times in email. He was focused on the fight and not what caused the fight. I explained it to him in a long email, my feelings. I think I was too harsh and it was too much for him in listing everything I needed from him in a relationship. And that was how he responded... "Too Much". Said he didnt even read it all. Said I was wrong though...that was Wednesday, I havent heard anything since.
Part of me really wants to work it out, misses him so much. But I know he wont change. I dont think he loves me enough too, and I need the connection. I need more than what he is giving. Thats the hardest part, being in love with someone who seems incapable of giving you just the basic necessities of a relationship. Time, effort, love...
I dont know what he is thinking. I am pretty sure the long email made him give up with out even taking into consideration whether I was worth that kind of effort. Its for the best...I know.
I just miss him... and the way we used to be.
I think I am really mourning the loss today.
I have been in contact with him. After I wrote him on Monday, he did respond with the message in my last journal post, but since then has sent me the lyics to two songs.
Here is the first:
It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to knowYou are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all fromtime to time.Talk Talk - I've felt the coldness of my winterI never thought YOU would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us...But I know that I love you soThese are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fallThis is the wonder of devotion - I seek the torch we all must hold.This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall...It's just a little rain...
The Rain Song, Zeppelin.
And the second song:
10 years gone, Zeppelin.
Then as it was, then again it will beAn' though the course may change sometimesRivers always reach the seaFlyin' skys of fortune, each have separate waysOn the wings of maybe, downy birds of preyKind of makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to goBut as the eagle leaves the nest, it's got so far to goChanges fill my time, baby, that's alright with meIn the midst I think of you, and how it used to beDid you ever really need somebody, and really need 'em badDid you ever really want somebody, the best stuff you ever hadDo you ever remember me, baby, did it feel so good'Cause it was just the first time, and you knew you wouldDo the eyes not sparkle, Senses goin' keentakes me a love for 'long the way, to see her feathers preenKind of makes makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to goWe are eagles of one nest, The nest is in our soulVixen in my dreams, with great surprise to meNever thought I'd see your face the way it used to beOh darlin', oh darlin'ooooh oh darlin''ey yeaaahoh darlin'I'm never gonna leave ya. I'm never gonna leaa-eaave yaten years goneten years gone, holdin' on, ten years goneten years gone, holdin' on, ten years gone
******************************************
We went back and forth a couple of times in email. He was focused on the fight and not what caused the fight. I explained it to him in a long email, my feelings. I think I was too harsh and it was too much for him in listing everything I needed from him in a relationship. And that was how he responded... "Too Much". Said he didnt even read it all. Said I was wrong though...that was Wednesday, I havent heard anything since.
Part of me really wants to work it out, misses him so much. But I know he wont change. I dont think he loves me enough too, and I need the connection. I need more than what he is giving. Thats the hardest part, being in love with someone who seems incapable of giving you just the basic necessities of a relationship. Time, effort, love...
I dont know what he is thinking. I am pretty sure the long email made him give up with out even taking into consideration whether I was worth that kind of effort. Its for the best...I know.
I just miss him... and the way we used to be.
Replies
Stay strong. Of course you\'ll have great memories and there are good qualities to him that you\'ll remember while you mourn the relationship. Just don\'t mistake the grief of the break-up for missing \"him.\" In reality, when you were with \"him\" you were not happy most of the time, that\'s why you broke it off. Men are especially intolerant of hearing their flaws...it\'s agonizing for them to be told what they do wrong. It takes a rare and incredibly courageous man to take feedback and implement it. Most men cannot overcome the pressure to be \"right\" and they will fight tooth and nail to try to defend their \"rightness\" even when they know they are wrong.
It takes tremendous strength and character to be able take an honest look at yourself, and there\'s more pressure on men to be strong and flawless in every situation. I had the same situation with a male friend I was very close to...I wrote an email explaining how his behavior caused me some pain and like your ex-boyfriend, my friend couldn\'t even get through the email...he\'s gay, lol...but that male tendency to avoid facing their own shortcomings is so powerful. I had the same issue with my ex-husband :-( It\'s heartbreaking because I love both of these men, but I can never ever discuss anything they do wrong because they just shut down and insist they are right. You have to be able to communicate to have a meaningful relationship with anybody...I think most men have so much shame about their imperfections that communication is much harder with the average male.
Hang on, my dear. It will get easier.