HI AGAIN MY DEAR FRIENDS, BOY, DO I EVER HAVE ALOT OF TIME GAPS IN MY JOURNAL!! I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU THAT WROTE TO ME AND OF COURSE SAID A SPECIAL PRAYER FOR ME RE: MY MAMOGRAM RESULTS!! WELL, AS I MUST HAVE TOLD ALL OF YOU THE RESULTS ARE JUST FINE. THANK GOD!! HOW WAS EVERYONES CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR?? I HOPE YOU ALL  HAD A VERY NICE RELAXING AND PAIN REDUCED DAYS!! WHICH I GUESS WOULD BE VERY HARD AT THIS TIME OF YEAR. I EVEN WENT OVERBOARD, AND MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF SAID WE WERE GOING TO TAKE IT EASY THIS YEAR WITH GIFTS, ETC. WELL, WITH MY TERRIBLE FM PAIN WE WERE LIMITED TO THE AMOUNT OF TIME AND PLACES TO GO TO. I FOUND THAT I PUSHED MYSELF TOO HARD ALOT OF THE TIME, WHEN I WASN'T IN ALOT OF SEVERE PAIN, I DID WAY TOO MUCH!! WHICH THEN CAUSED ME ALOT OF TERRIBLE FLARE-UPS, SO THEREFORE I HAD MANY SLOW-DOWNS!lol BUT ALL IN ALL IT WASN'T TOO HECTIC AT ALL!! WE HAD A SMALL QUIET XMAS AT MY DAUGHTERS, ON XMAS EVE, AND THEN XMAS DAY MY DEAR HUSBAND TERRY COOKED A TURKEY, HAM, CABBAGE ROLLS, AND LOTS OF DIFFERENT SALADS!! HE JUST LOVES TO DO THIS BIG SUPPER THING, THE COOKING AND THE CLEANING AND ALL!! SO HE WAS IN HIS GLORY. FOR MYSELF, I COULD ONLY DO WHAT I COULD DO, I WRAPPED SOME PRESENTS, WROTE SOME XMAS CARDS, AND PLAYED WITH THE GRANDKIDS AS MUCH AS I COULD. MY FIBROMYALGIA, AND CHRONIC FATIGUE, IBS, TMJ, WERE ALL FLARED UP SO I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO TAKE IT EASY. BUT I STILL FEEL SOOO GUILTY WHEN I JUST CAN'T DO ALL THAT I WANT TO DO, TO HELP WITH THINGS!!! MY PAIN LEVELS ARE ALWAYS AT A VERY HIGH LEVEL 24/7, EACH AND EVERYDAY, AND YES I HAVE BEEN GETTING DEPRESSED ON A OFF FOR YEARS NOW. IT IS REALLY ATTACKING MY LEGS, HIPS, ANKLES, BONES, AND DEEP MUSCLES ALL OVER THAT I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO?? I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN, BUT I HAVE TO KEEP TRYING TO FACE IT, I AM WHAT I AM, AND I DO THE BEST I CAN DO EVERYDAY!! IT JUST GETS SOOO FRUSTRATING AND DEPRESSING ALOT SO I HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH THIS. WHICH IS MY BIGGEST PROBLEM, MY DR. SAYS THAT ALSO TO ME SOMETIMES, HE WILL STILL SAY SUZANNE YOU STILL DON'T WANT TO REALIZE THAT I HAVE THIS CHRONIC ILLNESS THAT WILL PROBABLY BE WITH ME FOREVER!! I JUST KEEP LOOKING FOR THAT ANSWER, AND CHECKING ON ALL THE NEW MEDS THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE ONE THAT HAS THE ANSWER I AM LOOKING FOR...... I GUESS I WOULD CALL IT THE "CURE"!! I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND WHY "THEY" CAN'T FIND AN ANSWER FOR ALL OF US!!!! I SOMETIMES GET MY HOPES UP WHEN I TRY A NEW PILL, OR A NEW WAY TO LOOK AT THIS, SERIOUS ILLNESS!!! EG: WHEN I WAS GETTING THE LIDOCAINE INFUSIONS, I THOUGHT WELL, THIS IS MY (OUR) ANSWER, I CAN FINALLY BE NORMAL AGAIN!!! WHATEVER, NORMAL IS I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER NOT BEING IN PAIN AND HAVING ENERGY, I REALLY CAN'T!!! WELL, SOMEDAYS I JUST GO WITH THE FLOW, AND THEN THE ULTIMATE PAIN DAYS (AND I HAVE MANY) COME AND I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO SEE HOW I CAN GO ANY LONGER??? LIKE HOW DO I HANDLE THIS MUCH PAIN, THIS IS JUST INSANE!! I FEEL LIKE IF A REGULAR PERSON HAD THIS PAIN, THEY WOULD THINK THAT THEY WERE DYING, I'M SURE!!  AND YES, HOW DO WE DO IT, IS THE QUESTION???? I THINK WE MUST BE VERY STRONG PEOPLE, AND BELIEVE THAT A DAY WILL COME, WHEN WE ARE "CURED"???? I JUST DON'T KNOW..... THEN OTHER DAYS I FEEL LIKE I DON'T WANT TO GO ON LIKE THIS?? WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THIS??? WHAT DID I DO TO GET THIS??? AND THEN I GET MAD, ANGRY, HURT FEELINGS, DEEP IN MY SOUL, AND WONDER WHY, WHY??? NOW I HAVE NOTICED THAT I COULD SET A GOAL FOR MYSELF.  BUT WHAT SHOULD IT BE?? TO STOP LOOKING FOR THAT ANSWER WE ALL ARE SEARCHING FOR????? THE "CURE"?? OR JUST TRY AND THINK I HAVE THIS LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT???? I REALLY DON'T KNOW??? I AM SOOO TIRED OF THIS GAME IN MY MIND THAT I MUST END THIS NOW........ I REALLY FEEL SO ALONE.....TALK AGAIN SOON .