Hi Everyone! I'm so embarressed that I haven't written a journal entry for quite sometime!  I have been meaning to so many times, then something would happen where I didn't have enough time, or I really wanted to soooo many times, and just couldn't due to my extreme pain (insane pain).  My dr. and I both agree that I am one of his worst fm/m.e. patients!! That is not a title I really want to have!!lol. I know that I am depressed over this illness and have been for so many years. I've now had this sickening, frustrating, maddening, pain & mixed up brain (which is getting worse everyday) for 17yrs.!!! I also am very tired of explaining it to people that notice that I don't look very well, or why are you favoring a certain leg etc. Also those who say Oh, but you look fine to me, you look great!! Well, I do try and look o.k. majority of days and yes I do try to hide it.  But I'm so tired of this facade(I think that is the word) I don't know why I am progressively getting worse and worse!!!! For eg. When my husband just so lightly puts his hand or finger on my body anywhere I jump in pain, and he feels bad, that he hurt me. I tell him honey, it's not you it's me I'm all screwed up.  Then I've been having basically daily baths(which hurt me) as the weather is over 30c everyday for the month of July, in Alberta Canada anyway. So I even feel pain when putting the bar of soap over my body to get clean!!!, now this is very depressing, just downright Stupid!! I really think I am going crazy over this illness. I wonder has a person ever went insane from this insane pain???lol. The one and only thing that has made me feel more of a person is my dear, sweet, loving Granddaughter of 7yrs. She came and stayed with Gramma & Grampa for a whole week!!! I really tried sooo hard not to show my pain around her, as in the past she has went home and started to act like she was in alot of pain.I very much do not want to see her see me this way. But sometimes I can't help it. My daughter gets soooo mad at me if I let my granddaughter see me in pain or even to mention it.  I know my dear granddaughter knows that gramma is in pain as she will say gramma do you want me to do this  or get you that? Cause I know that you have bad pain gramma. She is sooo dear to me!! Believe it or not more understanding and compassionate than my daughters and many adults I know!! Wouldn't you know it , out of the mouths of our little ones!!  I guess I made up for lost time on my journal entries by this very long one, and I'm sorry for that, it's just that there is so much to say, My life is always busy and stressful and I can't sleep now for a long time during the night or I get insomnia. Just like now. Thankyou all for taking the time to read my short novel again!! Keep smiling and let's us all try to laugh at life together!!