Over the last couple of months I could tell she was high several times, we had fallen back into the same old patterns, we argued over the same things over and over, and I began having thoughts of leaving. I take my commitment to marriage seriously, when we divorced I was certain she would lose her job, her nursing license and maybe worse, and I didn't know the extent of her relationship with the BF, I divorced her out of anger about the unknown. When we got back together I had to swallow a lot, but she had me fooled about the pills which I tended to place the blame for many of her actions on, and I really believed that I was doing the right thing for us and my children.
Two Saturdays ago I started snooping around while she was at work because she was high the night before. I found empty bottles. In my efforts to help I had been locking her pills (for her back) in a safe and giving her a daily dose every morning, but that was not enough for her. That evening she blacked out at work (she works at the local hospital) and when I went to see her she was high. I talked with the doctor and we admitted her to the CDU here in town.
With all that said I have made many mistakes, I have nearly gone crazy over the past 2 tears on several occasions, I can't count the times I have cried from the lies and betrayal. I can't count the times I have let anger and hurt nearly consume me. But my emotions finally got beat, she won, no matter what I did or said or threatened the pills were more important, which is depressing as well. I sometimes feel she has no love or respect for me, or her kids, and after all I feel I have done for her and us that is a harsh slap in the face.
So now I am at another cross road, I don't know the truth from a lie with her on very many things if any, and I find myself wondering if I even know who she is. I don't know if we will make it together but I hope she gets straight for our kids sake, with or without me.
The more I learn about addiction the more I am realizing there is nothing to blame but her, and that I should let her deal with the consequences of her decisions, unfortunately I haven't done that, and it is hard to change a mindset that I have had so long. I have always thought that one day she would wise up and things would change, but now I know she couldn't with an active addiction.
My focus is getting back on my happiness now, I often say I have forgotten what the word meant, and I have to change that, I am tired of the feelings of hurt and betrayal ruling my emotions, I just have to figure out how to fix it.
Two Saturdays ago I started snooping around while she was at work because she was high the night before. I found empty bottles. In my efforts to help I had been locking her pills (for her back) in a safe and giving her a daily dose every morning, but that was not enough for her. That evening she blacked out at work (she works at the local hospital) and when I went to see her she was high. I talked with the doctor and we admitted her to the CDU here in town.
With all that said I have made many mistakes, I have nearly gone crazy over the past 2 tears on several occasions, I can't count the times I have cried from the lies and betrayal. I can't count the times I have let anger and hurt nearly consume me. But my emotions finally got beat, she won, no matter what I did or said or threatened the pills were more important, which is depressing as well. I sometimes feel she has no love or respect for me, or her kids, and after all I feel I have done for her and us that is a harsh slap in the face.
So now I am at another cross road, I don't know the truth from a lie with her on very many things if any, and I find myself wondering if I even know who she is. I don't know if we will make it together but I hope she gets straight for our kids sake, with or without me.
The more I learn about addiction the more I am realizing there is nothing to blame but her, and that I should let her deal with the consequences of her decisions, unfortunately I haven't done that, and it is hard to change a mindset that I have had so long. I have always thought that one day she would wise up and things would change, but now I know she couldn't with an active addiction.
My focus is getting back on my happiness now, I often say I have forgotten what the word meant, and I have to change that, I am tired of the feelings of hurt and betrayal ruling my emotions, I just have to figure out how to fix it.
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