Over the last couple of months I could tell she was high several times, we had fallen back into the same old patterns, we argued over the same things over and over, and I began having thoughts of leaving. I take my commitment to marriage seriously, when we divorced I was certain she would lose her job, her nursing license and maybe worse, and I didn't know the extent of her relationship with the BF, I divorced her out of anger about the unknown. When we got back together I had to swallow a lot, but she had me fooled about the pills which I tended to place the blame for many of her actions on, and I really believed that I was doing the right thing for us and my children.
Two Saturdays ago I started snooping around while she was at work because she was high the night before. I found empty bottles. In my efforts to help I had been locking her pills (for her back) in a safe and giving her a daily dose every morning, but that was not enough for her. That evening she blacked out at work (she works at the local hospital) and when I went to see her she was high. I talked with the doctor and we admitted her to the CDU here in town.
With all that said I have made many mistakes, I have nearly gone crazy over the past 2 tears on several occasions, I can't count the times I have cried from the lies and betrayal. I can't count the times I have let anger and hurt nearly consume me. But my emotions finally got beat, she won, no matter what I did or said or threatened the pills were more important, which is depressing as well. I sometimes feel she has no love or respect for me, or her kids, and after all I feel I have done for her and us that is a harsh slap in the face.
So now I am at another cross road, I don't know the truth from a lie with her on very many things if any, and I find myself wondering if I even know who she is. I don't know if we will make it together but I hope she gets straight for our kids sake, with or without me.
The more I learn about addiction the more I am realizing there is nothing to blame but her, and that I should let her deal with the consequences of her decisions, unfortunately I haven't done that, and it is hard to change a mindset that I have had so long. I have always thought that one day she would wise up and things would change, but now I know she couldn't with an active addiction.
My focus is getting back on my happiness now, I often say I have forgotten what the word meant, and I have to change that, I am tired of the feelings of hurt and betrayal ruling my emotions, I just have to figure out how to fix it.
Two Saturdays ago I started snooping around while she was at work because she was high the night before. I found empty bottles. In my efforts to help I had been locking her pills (for her back) in a safe and giving her a daily dose every morning, but that was not enough for her. That evening she blacked out at work (she works at the local hospital) and when I went to see her she was high. I talked with the doctor and we admitted her to the CDU here in town.
With all that said I have made many mistakes, I have nearly gone crazy over the past 2 tears on several occasions, I can't count the times I have cried from the lies and betrayal. I can't count the times I have let anger and hurt nearly consume me. But my emotions finally got beat, she won, no matter what I did or said or threatened the pills were more important, which is depressing as well. I sometimes feel she has no love or respect for me, or her kids, and after all I feel I have done for her and us that is a harsh slap in the face.
So now I am at another cross road, I don't know the truth from a lie with her on very many things if any, and I find myself wondering if I even know who she is. I don't know if we will make it together but I hope she gets straight for our kids sake, with or without me.
The more I learn about addiction the more I am realizing there is nothing to blame but her, and that I should let her deal with the consequences of her decisions, unfortunately I haven't done that, and it is hard to change a mindset that I have had so long. I have always thought that one day she would wise up and things would change, but now I know she couldn't with an active addiction.
My focus is getting back on my happiness now, I often say I have forgotten what the word meant, and I have to change that, I am tired of the feelings of hurt and betrayal ruling my emotions, I just have to figure out how to fix it.
Replies
walk away? you deserve to be happy...go to Al-anon? addicts have all but ruined my life...maybe you can save the rest of yours.
I claim to myself that I don\'t want to walk away because of my faith and my comitment I made to her, and to my family. It is not easy for me to walk away from what I promised to her and God. I have a fairy tale image of my children growing up in the same house with mommy and daddy, but I am also getting weary from chasing what I can\'t catch. It is hard to put in words, I may give up one day, but I don\'t think today is that day yet. I am going to try Al-Anon tomorrow night.
I\'ve always heard there are three valid reasons for divorce in the church. They are the three \"A\'s\"--abuse, adultery, and addiction. You\'ve got two of the three.
God would want you and your children to be happy.
Hold on to your convictions! With faith all things are possible and if some day you do walk away you can do it knowing you did everything possible to help your wife. We don\'t just discard the people we love, but neither do we allow them to break us to the point we feel our lives have been ruined. I am no longer with my ex. He chooses to continue on his path of addiction. I did not leave him out of anger or spite. I left out of love and I pray some day he finds his way. I feel at peace knowing I did all I could. You are getting strength from the one place that has power over addiction. Continue to be strong in your faith. Keep yourself spiritually healthy. Your family needs you and you can not help if you become too weary. You sound much better today!! I am praying for your wife. I pray she can find her way through the deceit of addiction, I pray she will break the bonds that keep her prisoner within herself. Recovery is possible, I am proof of this! May you be filled with the power of His love and may you be guided by His wisdom.
Audra