I don't even know what you call this mood. I swear I just experienced a manic episode and didn't know it. Now I feel like I'm crashing. Not so far down to depression yet. I'll find out tomorrow if I clean my house or sleep. Also I have no idea if I should tell my pdoc about it yet. I went to my regular doctor while she was on vacation and asked to get back on two meds that I quit.
Now if I tell her she might yank them. And I'm on the fence about the ambien being yanked. Only because I swear it's either getting weaker or I don't pretend to know I just know it isn't as powerful as it was in the past. It takes me longer to fall asleep now and I don't sleep as soundly. I swear I can't get that fully rested deep sleep. I dream all night and I remember too much of them. I feel that the sleep effects the bi polar more than the meds do. Also because I struggle too much with motivation I feel I need my ADD meds. I stop cleaning or doing anything at all remotely productive with out them. But they do make me talk too much. Talking too much isn't always that big of a deal but I never shut up and I'm a bull dozer. I've been running people over. I can see it on one person in particular's face that she's ready for me to shut up. I'm coming off as a know it all in her eyes. When I saw her expression I apologized and I may be miss reading her but I swear she brushed me off. She denied that I offended her but her face at the time told me other wise. I see my pdoc but not until mid august. I did get some meds from my regular doctor so I'm covered until I see her. Should I wait to talk to her at my appointed time and see how things go? Or should I talk to some one ASAP? I mean my mania isn't totally out of control and some of it is disguised as being productive. I was able to get every one's kids to listen and that impressed a lot of people. So I appear well in their eyes but when I think back on it I suspect it may have been mania. Now I'm feeling worn out from it. Or was it just natural stress? All I know is I felt stressed because their were 8 children all between ages 4 and 9 except for my daughter who is 11.
I know it seems unfair but I give her more privileges because of her age so I don't really include her in that children category I throw her in the pre teen. She got her monthly friend over the week end too. well back to topic parents who should have been controlling their own kids were too busy to pay attention and they were driving barb up a wall. I could see how stressed she was by the look on her face. So I jumped in to try and lighten her load. Also it was driving me up a wall because the adults were worse than the children at times. And with that many people which is like a culture shock to me ( I live alone and I kind of like it that way) it was massive chaos. People were being too indecisive so I jumped in and made quick decisions to keep the cogs flowing. Huh well then after dad saw how I was able to get kids to listen and listen quickly he put me in charge of them. Thanks dad. Still I have this thing about efficiency.
And I myself need structure. It's too stressful for me with people all unorganized and they can't even make a decent plan to lessen the stress on each other let alone me. That's why I felt the need to jump in and take command. Things got done much quicker my way. But I didn't mean to step on any one's toes. I also think some parents were mad that I jumped in and interfered with their parenting tactics. It wasn't me trying to be condescending it's just I know how to get quick results when time is of the essence. When time is more free I would have changed my tactics that are more conducive to a child's emotional needs. And I'd be less inclined to interfere with other peoples version of parenting. And I admit it was for my own benefit not any one else's. I couldn't take the chaos it was making me want to go insane. Now when I come home I was planing on spending today catching up on the sleep but one of my friends is having a crisis and she's leaning on me to help her. Now she is a grown woman who should know better by now but I don't really judge because I've been there too. I'm on the fence about whether she's trust worthy or just trying to use me. So far she has shown that she isn't lieing. But she is asking for money and I have paid her way on a lot of things. But I'm not super man and I can't save the world. Still I always believe that I'd rather help some one at the risk of being burned than let some one die on the streets. Now even my neighbor thinks I wasn't as foolish as I first thought I was. She told me she thinks my friend really will pay me back over time but it wont be instantly.
I already knew the risk though when I gave her that money. I'm not worried about getting paid back I'm worried my friend wont land on her feet and then my effort will be wasted. So you see I've been stressed out too. My plate is full and I think it's taking a toll. I am really fearful because I do come off as well but to others they have no idea that I'm fighting an illness on the inside and I live in fear when the illness will win. Still I have to do the right thing in my heart I want to live with myself before I die! And if I can get my kids raised to be well adjusted and functioning adults I can rest in peace when my times comes. I remember when I had no control over my thoughts and sometimes not even over my own mouth. I remember being so ill I was hearing things and I had to keep my mouth shut because I knew non sense was gonna come out of it. It scared the hell out of me. People used me when I was too ill to think and see clearly. My family abandon me and kicked me when I was down. For two years no one was on my side I had no help and no friends. Now when I start doing well I know my family is happy and some what impressed. But that makes things even worse if I would become ill again.
I'm terrified. Terrified of losing it again. And I use a shit ton of self control constantly. It's taxing. It wears me out. And I put on such a great show for specially for my family so they have no idea that I crash when I come home. I need several days to recover from it. Now I'm waiting to see when they finally start jumping on my shit to go back to work. Because I'm looking really good now in their eyes. But I know that I"m not ready. I know their opinion is that I'm working the system. I'm walking around here looking like I have my shit together but I'm still very ill.
And even when I do feel confident in my abilities I'm afraid to move forward. Because I know how quickly I can crash and burn. And the way the system is set up makes it next to impossible to get back on it when you suddenly need it again. I've been let down by the system before when I genuinely needed help no one was there. So now I'm afraid to lose what I fought for, for four years! Because I just now got it! Now I'm doing better but I'm afraid to move forward.