Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I am strong, but I am not without pains of my own. Last night I cried for my recently deceased Grandfather. He was taken on 9/22/2007 by cancer of the liver. It hurts me so deeply that I only had 2 days to tell him how much I loved him, and would miss him. What hurts the most is as I was trying to make my way back up there... he passed away. My father was watching over him that night. He watched his own dad die. As he took his last breaths we knew he had made peace with what was happening to him. I even was able to talk to him a little myself, alone. I asked him why he wasn't fighting this, like he fought everything else. And you know what ? The response made me cry.. right there in front of him, I bawled. His exact words were " why should I fight? Honey, I have diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, Im on so many damn medicines I cant remember how many, and now cancer. What would I be fighting for?" Oh God! How can he say that? HE would be fighting to stay with his wife of 58 years, or stick around to see his grandchildren graduate from college. Or multitudes of things.    I didn't even find out from my dad, I found out from my mom who is halfway around the WORLD from us. She knew before I did. She tried to shield me from it, but telling me to ask dad, but I had to hear it.. I had to hear it from her. I dont know why, but I did. All she would tell me is " You already know what I can't say. Jenn, be strong, but you know the answer" And a piece of me died right then, right there. I became a shell of a human. I cried, and I screamed, and I beat the beejeezus out of my pillows. None of it truly helped, but it helped to let it out. That was something I knew better than to try and bottle up.    Now, I really feel like a little ... worm... because I didnt even get to go to his funeral. Now, granted he was cremated, but they held a little funerary ceremony, and I couldnt even go to that. As soon as I found out that Id missed... again... I cried. I shook my fists at the sky, and actually blasphemed. I screamed at God to give him back! To bring him back to us, that it wasnt fair for God to hog the only angel in my life at that point. I screamed, and yelled, until I couldnt speak anymore. I miss him. I miss him so much, because I always looked up to him. He was my strength. And when I graduated high school, he was there cheering me on watching me with pride in his eyes. I will always remember and cherish that night.  I miss you Grandpa. I love you always.