SELF THERAPY SESSION # 2  I want to first say THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who put in the time to read/ comment on my last journal page. Every comment was a little more strength than I had while writing it, and I thank you guys. I really needed it. In the meantime I have been continuing to write out my pains and hurts on paper. I started a brand of self therapy you see, I grabbed a pen and a 5 subject notebook, and started writing a "letter" to everyone whose hurt me. A letter they may never see necessarily, but a letter to get out all of my frustrations and things Ive wanted to say for years without having to worry about emotions afterward from them. It has helped already, because I started with my mother, and I come to find I have alot of pent up anger, and pain from just her. I broke down last night and cried, I couldn't help myself but I didnt feel better afterward, I felt empty. Completely. Though, I guess in a way that's better than pain. :-) But I have to warn you now, this journal is going to be another session of getting things out, so I will again warn you... this may trigger.CAUTION:MAY TRIGGER CAUTION:MAY TRIGGER CAUTION:MAY TRIGGERThis is the psudo-letter to my mother, I feel I have to share this before I can move onto the next person so deserving of my anger. Heads up, this will be kinda long.Mom,   No parent is perfect, and no child is born with an instruction manual, so there are many things Ive learned to forgive. That being said, there are also things about parenting that are OBVIOUS! For example: if a child says her arm was bitten off by an alligator & you see the arm in question still attached-lie, BUT absolutely NO healthy un-abused 5 year old girl knows the intimate details of a man's anatomy without first having been abused. On top of that, taking the same abused child to see a MALE doctor to look up her skirt after other males hurt her... OF COURSE she isn't going to let them look at her no matter how much McDonald's you promise. Makes sense doesn't it? Well in being a child & seeing what happened in telling you about Ricky, I refused to tell you about the others. Feeling that you'd take me down to yet another GUY to look up my dress... I never told you about James (my babysitter's boyfriend) or Mike (my brother's friend) or Eddie (another of my brothers friends) until so many guys had hurt me I thought it to be normal. So I began to just accept it & hide the bruises and red marks. ahh yes... life. To make what I knew as life sweeter, you would always come home drunk & wind up in a fight with dad, when all he was trying to do was sleep before he had to go back to work to support his daughter and your son, PLUS YOU! Even worse than that would be waking to hear all of the dishes smaching against the floor because there were a couple unwashed in the sink. Which, who'd that wind up damaging? Not us, but you. because not only were you a constant drunk by then, but you'd also shown your children your insanity!!! Congratulations! To top that beautiful delight off, you became the master of embarrassing us, to the point I claimed other kid's moms as my own. Ahh joy. So then you file for divorce from dad & move away with the kids in tow. Then I'm back in the old house with dad & you're in the new place with a boyfriend. You sent my brother off to jail... NICE rebound mom!!! NOT. COme to find out your new boyfriend is an Alabama bumpkin (no offense intended here people.. he was really a retard..) I can say this much though, you've always been a wanderer. The perfect hippie. Into drugs, hate bras, been with over 60 men (which by the way, your daughter doesnt ever want to know) and you've always craved a traveller's lifestyle. Mom, I can honestly & FINALLY tell you, you're the type of woman who should've had a goldfish instead of children.   Hell, Aunt Linda, your sister, and Gramma Lucy were more mothers to me than you were. You always wondered why Grandma Lucy hates you? Here's why: You treated dad like garbage water (her son), you barked orders at your kids, you spent more time in a bar than at home, you seemed to care more for the barflies than your own flesh & blood & you werent just physically abusive, but emotionally as well. You became toxic to everyone who wasnt some druggie barfly. Ever since about 13 years old I decided I didnt want your poison in my life. DId you ever wonder WHY I stayed in my room all the time? TO AVOID YOU! Yes, when you packed your stuff & went to Hawaii I knew you werent coming back 3 months my ass! At the time I hated you. I even went so far as to be indifferent towards you and/ or your well-being. Dad defended you for awhile, but you cut him deeply too & unfortunately ...permanently. When you invited yourself back to Florida after hearing I was pregnant, I didn NOT want you here, but again Dad defended you and said for me to be nice, and I was.... as long as I could stand to be. Oh, another thing... a woman who was just told by doctors that it was "necessary" to kill a part of herself doesnt EVER want to hear "you killed my grandbaby!!" screamed at her. You heartless wench! Dad womders why I'm constantly depressed & why I can't shake it... because YOU forced me to be 50 at 5 years old & he wants me to be a child forever. Wonder fucking why right?   Dad told me once that no matter what, no ifs ands or buts about it, I HAVE to go to your funeral. I'll be sure to bring shoes I can dance in. As cold & heartless as that sounds, others will cry for you & I will dance, I will channel YEARS of anger, pain, & hostility into a dance meant just for you. Though you gave me life, you also gave me a life of hell. I dont blame you for EVERYthing, but I only ever wanted a mom. You are my mother, but you werent a mom. You see, a mother is someone whose given birth & a mom is a woman whose given birth and lovingly raised her young. So in closing mom, we're both older now & Ive raised myself this far. I honestly think I'd be better off if you stopped trying to contact me. I wish you the best in the rest of your life.       I'm stronger without you.