Still no job, still no place, still no reason to breathe, but yet I do. Im so tired of being me, but yet, I dont get along with other people enough to want to be them either. -sigh- I put on a strong front for other people while on the inside I fall apart. Ive helped my good friend move into his apartment which makes me feel good because that at least gave me a reason to get up, and gave me something to say " I did something useful today" but not since. The job market doesnt want me, the money I had saved is running out, and yet I dont seem to care anymore. I eat less and less, drink more and more and slowly fall into the abyss. Depression has completely consumed my heart, and no matter how hard I fight, or how hard I work, it's never enough. It will never be enough. I think really Im just fucking tired of fighting!!! My God, I wake up every morning fighting depression... EVERY FUCKING DAY, I really am tired of fighting. I have no medical insurance, hell, I have no insurance... I have no job, Im not in school (couldnt get funding) and to top everything else off... Im again hollow inside. I cling so fiercly to some people around me for I fear what I would do left by myself. Solitude is the LAST thing I need right now. Because I know I wouldnt wake in the morning. I wouldnt let myself wake in the morning. I would just be one less nuisance, one less mouth to feed, one less waste of space. Dreams are illusions, illusions are your subconscious showing you exactly what you cant have, and all of that.... well.. that whole dreams can come true bullshit... yeah, they forget to tell you that only holds true if you have ALOT OF FUCKING MONEY. If youre a poor joe like me.... no one fucking cares about you. Well, thanks for reading this. Bye.
Replies
welcome to the real world. sucks sometimes, huh?? keep your chin up.
Florida is a tough place to live without money. There is such a great disparity of wealth in that state, or at least that\'s how I perceived it when I lived in St. Pete. You\'ve got to have income, so take anything ... fast food, babysitting, lawn work, tutoring, pool maintenance. A temp agency is a good place to look. If you get desperate, day-labor is an option.
You\'re at the greatest risk if you let yourself isolate. Keep moving. Change is better than being stuck.
Good luck.
Huggles hun. you know how to get ahold of me at any time.
I am so sorry you are feeling so low right now....it is low tide in your life. I feel the same way inside....I go to a class twice a week in the evenings, and I mostly sit there with my mouth shut when everyone takes a break, because I am concentrating on stuffing my pain to a tollerable level, telling my voices in my head to shut the hell up, etc.
I know I may have asked you this before, but my I talk to so many people, I don\'t always remember who said what -- but are you taking meds, or therapy?
I have to echo the sentiments of guypal with one additional comment,if you have no real source of income, you should be elligible for Medicaid and other gov programs.Don\'t feel like it is some kind of mark against your character,we all need help at one time or another. It sounds as though you have a lot going on. Feel free to write me. After all that\'s what friends are for:):):)
hang in there.