From my last journal entry... oh,. chippy, Im surprised you even commented, but I thank you.He was right. I didnt tell you guys the awful effing things I did to him as well. See, when him and I first started dating it was great. His mom hated me, but we were determined to somehow manage to see each other every chance we had. We even would set up times at late night to meet up. He would ride his bicycle over here, and we'd hang out. Sometimes do nothing but talk, and hug each other... sometimes more. Mixed into the confusion of being young and enamored with someone, I let my heart go with him. I let him carry it, and keep care of it hoping he'd be gentle with me. But in reality, yeah, I was the bad guy. While we were together I kissed someone else. God, I felt so bad about that. I told him what had happened, begged him not to hate me. BEgged him to not forget about me then and there. MY heart about exploded in waiting for him to either hug me or walk off. He hugged me. I cried. We went on fine for awhile. We continued seeing each other whenever able, he would come over at night, and hang out with me. Then tuck me into sleep, and go back home. So sweet. Heh makes sugar look like dirt. Anyway, we rode the bus together, and went to class in generally the same areas of school throughout the day. So I would write a note and when I saw him either during class change, or back on the bus, I would hand it to him. Well, one day I didnt write to him, I didnt have my usual hugs and kiss for him. I was sitting next to him crying. Bawling. For my ex, Tony, was on a constant basis, making me feel guilty for leaving him. That day, I had just had enough. More than enough. So as Chippy was trying to comfort me, I told him everything. How Tony was the source of my crying, and that I felt so weak. Chippy let me cry into his shoulder, hugged me close, and before my short bus ride was over, made me smile. The next day though, Chippy shows me a letter intended for Tony. I read this letter, and the anger I had for Tony made me go YAY!!! But, at the same time it made me nervous. I knew how anal the deans at school are, and just hoped that Chippy wouldnt get into any trouble. AFterall, he was defending his woman. He was finally tired of seeing me cry, and wanted the source of my tears, to stop making me cry. That day, Chippy was arrested and stolen from me. Ripped from my arms, and left me to want to kill Tony. Not figuratively... literally. I wanted to ring that boy's neck until life left him. I got home that day, dropped my backpack, and hit the floor. The day's events hit me, and hard. I cried until I couldnt breathe anymore, lying on my livingroom floor.I cried everynight for a long while. I would cling to a pillow and try to imagine it was him, but it was never the same. I wanted him!!! I wanted him in my arms. While he is gone, while he was away from me... I came to find out some... IMPORTANT news. I was pregnant. Heh yep.. a little over 2 months pregnant. eeeeeeeeeeeeek! So at that point not only could I not see him, but I also had to wonder what I was going to do without him. I went to my doctor's appointments on time, had checkups, and was told some... heartbreaking news. It was either I live, or the baby does, but there was no way to save us both. The very next time I saw Chippy, I told him about it. I wanted his input before I made any decision. Ultimately we chose to save my life, and try again later. When we were set up and ready. Here's where I really become the wicked witch. In the time Chippy was gone, I looked for some kind of comfort... any comfort really. The only ones willing to show me any of such were males. But, they knew I was with someone, and I was banking on the fact that they knew it. -sigh- How... dumb of me. At the time my friend Katie would listen to me cry for awhile, and try to talk me through it... but I always wound up crying even more. Hey, she tried. Well, one day I call her hoping that maybe I wont cry, and I can just have a conversation with her. She asks me if I want to meet someone she knows. Her sensei of the time, his name is Tyrone. She tells me a bit about him, and at first Im not really interested. I dont even want to leave the house. She says Ill like him, that I should get out of the house, and stop crying. What the fuck, I agree to go. Next day a green-ish car pulls up. The car contains Katie, Kayla (friend), & Tyrone (the sensei)  Katie comes up to my door to get me. I still dont really want to leave the house so I stall. mew. Katie convinces me to go get in the car. Grr I go. We go to pick up Katies of the time boyfriend Russell, and then go to a local place of amusement. At first I hung around the younger of the group. Listening, watching... trying to have some kind of fun. Not happenin. So, I walk over to where Tyrone is, and talk with him for awhile. We talk about nothing in particular really. I comment on his shooting in a game, and then I go back to the younger people. Well its raining outside, I LOVE the rain. I want to go outside, but no one wants to come with me... GRRRRR!! Then, Tyrone asks me if I would want to play putt putt golf with him. YEA!!!!!! For one, I love putt putt golf.. I grew up with it.. thats how my father and I bonded... and for two it was raining outside, and the course is outside. mhmm Ill go. Halfway through the course, I start picking up an odd feeling from Tyrone. Makes me uneasy at first. I start trying to figure out where that feeling is coming from. We finish the golfing game, and go next door to eat. As we're eating, I start thinking about Chippy. I missed him so so much. Tyrone says something that pulls me out of my trance lol. I respond and then catch it.. it comes to me!!Tyrone was starting to develop feelings for me. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! So here I am pregnant, missing my mate, out with friends, and thanks to Katie in a way.... Im on an effing date. I say that because most of the time... Katie and the others were off doing something leaving just Ty & I. Mew. Then comes time to go see a movie. Mr. & Mrs. Smith I do believe it was. We all walked in, sat down.. started watching the movie. Well, Katie and Kayla starting trading seats cause well.. Katie wanted to sit next to Tyrone... insisted on it. Meh. whatever. go ahead. Somehow I still wound up next to him. Wtf? Oh well, watch the movie. Finally the movie comes to an end, the evening is ending. Ty starts to bring everyone home. Katie, then Russell, then Kayla, and Im the last to go. Sitting at the light on the major road next to my house.. It hits me hard what that feeling was... he liked me!!!!!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeek! I asked him. "do you like me?" eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! He wouldnt reply at first.  I knew. 2 days later Chippy comes back home YAY! I tell him then of thegrowing baby, and growing threat to my survival... we make our most painful decision. I have a medical abortion. I hurt Chippy so badly..... God. Im so sorry. The next time I got to see Chippy after he came home... I was in the makings of a relationship with Tyrone. I look back now, and I have no idea why. Because the entire time I was with Ty, I was thinking of Chippy. How fucking stupid of me.  Chippy, Im so sorry. You've always been there for me, and my stupidity... me.. I have hurt you so much.  For that Good God Im so sorry. I didnt plan for any of that to happen. None!! I was just taking Katies advice and getting out of the house. How was I to know? Fuck! I know now I could've stopped it... made things the way they should be. Just remember you've always been the one to hold my heart. No one else. Its still yours if you want it. But I doubt you do. Srry DS friends, Im going to go cry myself stupid, and kick my own ass. LEave comments if you managed to get all the way through this. And if you did. Thank you.