Rambling.....
So H currently deployed for a year, no contact with OW (or so he says and I decided to believe it, dont have proof of contact).
I've done everything in my power for this marriage to work. I feel like I have humilliated myself in the process, I cried and I begged. I had some pride when it came to relationships, I didnt want to be with somebody that didnt want me as much as I wanted them. I used to tell me myself that I would never cried or begged to a man but here I am after one PA and current EA. I never thought that I could forgive an infidelity, that was a deal breaker for me but here I am, I feel defeated. I feel tired and exhausted, me the one always giving but not getting enough in return. I want more, I deserve more and better. He is trying, we are better this year than we were last year but the hurt and the pain its taking its toll. I love my H more than anything but I'm so tired of wanting, waiting, expecting more. He was the one that fail so why does it feel that I'm the one doing all the work, I'm the one forgiving, forgetting and trying to move on. I've been desperate, paranoid, suicidal, clingy, needy........I think it's time for me. I started sending emails, letters, presents, talking about the future but I don't get the responses that I want. He is always busy, working........no time for me, no time for writing. I have explained to him over and over what I want and need, that I want his affection, attention and devotion. I'm tired of telling him, now I feel like keeping my emotions to myself, what is the point of telling him over and over, he knows how I feel and what I want. He still asks how am I doing, if I'm uspet he asks why...well he already knows so I don't see the point of repeating myself over and over, I'm tired of repeating myself. I'm the one withdrawing, withdrawing myself emotionally cause I'm tired of getting hurt. Sometimes it feels like he gives me more to other people, to his coworkers, to his friends, to his family than he does to me. Just some days are better than others.......I'm still grieving for what I used to have and still want so bad. I started doing the 180 but it hurts, I want to reach out to him and tell him how much he means to me but why? He already knows............God grant me strenght to survive this difficult times!!
I've done everything in my power for this marriage to work. I feel like I have humilliated myself in the process, I cried and I begged. I had some pride when it came to relationships, I didnt want to be with somebody that didnt want me as much as I wanted them. I used to tell me myself that I would never cried or begged to a man but here I am after one PA and current EA. I never thought that I could forgive an infidelity, that was a deal breaker for me but here I am, I feel defeated. I feel tired and exhausted, me the one always giving but not getting enough in return. I want more, I deserve more and better. He is trying, we are better this year than we were last year but the hurt and the pain its taking its toll. I love my H more than anything but I'm so tired of wanting, waiting, expecting more. He was the one that fail so why does it feel that I'm the one doing all the work, I'm the one forgiving, forgetting and trying to move on. I've been desperate, paranoid, suicidal, clingy, needy........I think it's time for me. I started sending emails, letters, presents, talking about the future but I don't get the responses that I want. He is always busy, working........no time for me, no time for writing. I have explained to him over and over what I want and need, that I want his affection, attention and devotion. I'm tired of telling him, now I feel like keeping my emotions to myself, what is the point of telling him over and over, he knows how I feel and what I want. He still asks how am I doing, if I'm uspet he asks why...well he already knows so I don't see the point of repeating myself over and over, I'm tired of repeating myself. I'm the one withdrawing, withdrawing myself emotionally cause I'm tired of getting hurt. Sometimes it feels like he gives me more to other people, to his coworkers, to his friends, to his family than he does to me. Just some days are better than others.......I'm still grieving for what I used to have and still want so bad. I started doing the 180 but it hurts, I want to reach out to him and tell him how much he means to me but why? He already knows............God grant me strenght to survive this difficult times!!
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