Saturday

Dearest,
What a busy day! I went to the lumber yard, I was good, only spent about $40. Got the wood I needed and then actually worked on the kitchen some. I was cooking and while I was waiting for stuff to be done, I was puttering. Restacked the shed while I was at it. Had a terrible case of "but first", wound up sweeping out the shed, don't let me forget I need to put air in the snow blower's tires. I made that rutabaga and carrot thing that Kristin likes, by request, it came out great I had to force myself Not to sit there and eat it all. I also made her scalloped potatoes, they were good to, I am amazing. Going to Kristin's tomorrow to spend the day with the grandsons, I need it.
When I was driving to Audubon today it started to snow and I started thinking, you know, I don't want to be here anymore. I don't mean here geographically, I mean here, in this life. I've had enough, I'm fed up and I give up. The snow turned into rain. I have to cover for Ed next week, that means I have to do everybody. Manitou will beat me up, devil bird from hell! I wish that I was smarter than him.
Some one asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I went off into a dream about what I wanted. I guess I didn't respond, but at least I didn't cry. I have to think of a reply that I can automatically spit out. They don't want to hear the truth, they have no way of understanding. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's what I want for Christmas, understanding.
Till we meet again, Your Ken

Replies

swindy
swindy

Understanding would be a good Christmas gift but those that haven\'t walked in our shoes just don\'t get it. Diane
songsofthenight
songsofthenight

I understand completely....some days I feel what the heck am I doing, why go on, I miss bigbear so much but then I think about what he\'d want me to do and he\'d want me to live my life to the fullest, just that is hard to do....take care and I\'m keeping you in my prayers and thoughts...hugs, Sandi
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ken,
You worry me when you say you don\'t want to be here anymore. I too felt that way for the first few weeks after my Jim died. I am in Grief Therapy now and am working through these types of feelings. Please tell me you are okay. Do you have someone to talk to other than us here on DS?
Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ken,
We all understand how you are feeling right now. At first all I did was cry and pray for death. Scared my children badly enough and a couple of friends that the damn phone rang off the hook and if I didn\'t answer someone came to the house just to \"make sure\" I was OK. It will pass.....I don\'t know when because we are all different.....but it will pass. These holidays are dragging us all down a few notches and for the new travelers on the grief journey it must a million times harder. Come here and vent and cry and scream and rage at the world. You can\'t say or think anything that will shock us. We are the survivors and fellow travelers and we understand.
Dianne