Venting

It's been awhile since I wrote....never finished the birth story, but got the main points across, I think.  It has been wonderful and terrible these last five months since Sammy was born.
I love Sammy more than anything, she is an awesomely wonderful baby and my reason for getting up each day.  My husband is awesome, and I am lucky to have my mom close by now to help me take care of Sammy so I can work part time.  So, I have so much to be thankful for, and I know that.  Things seem great.  On the surface.
But I am suffering.  I am in pain.  I have been having joint pain since about late October, and it has been getting progressively worse.  Knees swelling and locking up, now muscle pains and spasms.  Everything hurts, all the time.  Some days are better, some days are worse.  But I have not had a pain free day in months.  It is starting to get to me.
My doctors are not sure yet what is wrong, which makes it worse.  I am currently taking massive doses of motrin to get me through each day, which was recommened for now by my rheumatologist.  I do have a script for blood work, which I am going to have done in a few weeks and back to the rheumy to see if he can figure out what this is.  At first I was convinced it was Rheumatoid Arthritis....my PCP thought so too, but premliminary blood work came back negative.  My rheumatologist said maybe Lupus, and after reading and adding in my new and multiplying symtpoms, that makes sense too.  But now with things getting progressively worse (muscle pains, GI issues, headaches, ear problems, etc) I was reading on Fibromyalgia and it seems to fit a lot of my symptoms as well.  Damn internet drives me nuts.  I absolutely HATE not knowing what is wrong, and not having a treatment plan in place to make me feel better.  It is such a struggle to get up every morning. I keep waiting for the morning I will wake up and feel rested and pain free, but it never comes.  It just gets worse.  Everything hurts, and it is a struggle to get going, get up, take care of my baby, my family, my house, go to work, etc. 
And nobody truly understands what I am going through.  My mom is still traumatized from almost losing me twice after the birth of my baby, and she is convinced that my body is still recovering from the trauma, and that in a few weeks or months I will be just miraculously fine.  I hope she is right, but I know my body and I know something is very wrong and getting worse, not better.  And I know deep down she thinks I am exaggerating and possibly attention seeking.  I want nothing more than to feel good, to not hurt, and to enjoy my life.  It is so frustrating.  My poor husband is trying the best that he can to help me, but he is still traumatized from the baby's birth too, and he sees me suffering and can't help and feels powerless and frustrated too.  No one else really understands.  Most people have stopped asking how I feel, because they don't want to hear the negative answer.  Or I just lie and say I am ok.  No one understands.
I actually caved and contacted a counselor today.  My husband has suggested counseling a few times but so far we have managed and I had been coping ok.  Now I feel like everything is kind of crashing down around me and I feel scared and alone.  So I am reaching out, hopefully this counselor will be a good fit.  I have done the counseling thing a few times before, so I know the drill.  It is hard for me to admit, but I have learned to ask when I need help and can't manage any more on my own.  This lady specializes in women's health issues and trauma therapy, so hopefully it will help.
Like I said, I know I am lucky to be alive, and I really don't want to be ungrateful by complaining.  But I am getting to my breaking point, and I can't handle the stress anymore.  Starting to have anxiety-attack type episodes when stressed, so I think it's time to get help.  And hopefully these damn doctors can figure out what the hell is wrong with me, so I can get on the way to feeling better.